Love Your Curls | Learning to Love Me

Before Everdeen was born, I had a very vivid dream of what she would look like. I remember a little girl being held up with blue eyes and blond curly hair.  That was my girl...I knew that would be her. And it was. 

Everdeen's hair is growing very very slowly, but it is as cute and curly as can be.  I can't tell you how many people will comment about her hair and then end with, "Oh, she's really going to hate her hair when she's older!"  Knowing what it's like to have hair that you have to straighten everyday if you want it to resemble any of today's hottest styles, I always laughed and agreed.  "I know!  We always want what we don't have!"  

Thinking back on those conversations makes me cringe after seeing this commercial.  Leave it to Dove to make me cry over a silly commercial, but the message sunk in hard.  What is Everdeen going to think when she sees her mama straightening her hair everyday...that I don't appreciate and love what I have and that she shouldn't either.  I don't want my daughter to not love her curls and I don't want her to ever think that the hair she has been blessed with isn't good enough. When did society decide that what we were born with wasn't acceptable?  I will never have beautiful flowing mermaid hair and that has to be okay! So I made a decision that most days my hair will be worn a la natural.  


I walked into school yesterday feeling very uncomfortable...feeling my stupid anxiety creep up and my insecurities overpowering my brain. "I should have just straightened my hair...I look like a lion." Everyone was gong to stare and comment.  Finally in my classroom, alone, I pulled myself together and took a deep breath. I was being ridiculous.  I never ever wanted Everdeen to feel this way.  I need to learn to love myself so that my daughter will learn to love herself. 

There were lots of comments yesterday and they were all so complimentary...except for one. As I opened the door to let my students in one of the little boys screamed, "WOA! Did you stick your finger in the electrical socket?!" Let's just say he got a very stern warning about manners... I wore my hair natural again today and I barely even thought about it...and you know what? It felt good to be me and to be okay with me.  I feel like I am working on so many things in my life right now and maybe this 'thing' feels not so significant...maybe even a little vain, but every bit of me that I can accept will allow me to accept the whole me.  Plus, it took me half the time to do my hair this morning which is a humongous win. 

:)

Oh, hello 30

My twin sister and I are turning 30 on Sunday and I'm just not sure how I feel about it. I wish I had something profound to say about how turning 30 is the new 20 (is it?) and how turning 30 makes you an instantaneous adult (will it?). How you wake up on your 30th birthday and suddenly have everything figured out.  You eat healthy salads for lunch, use wrinkle defying night cream, and deposit a generous amount of your paycheck into your retirement fund. Because 30 year olds are always planning for the future...right? 

Sigh...I think the more I dwell on this upcoming birthday the more mid-life crisis-y I get.  

I assure you my husband doesn't have to worry about me running out and splurging our entire bank account on a new sports car.  Besides, I already had my moment of splurging today when I went out and bought two new sweaters...from Target...that were on sale...because that's what sensible 30 year olds do.

Moving On Up

Life has been so incredibly busy these last few weeks.   Whenever that happens I feel like I hold my breath waiting for it to pass by...so I can feel normal again.   That if I write down what's happening it will seem real and sometimes I'm just not ready to embrace the reality. 

I keep thinking about this time last year.  I was holding my breath for months, waiting to see what the future was going to bring.   I made a huge leap of faith and began interviewing for teaching positions back home.   With that decision of course brought days of anxiety, stress, and nerves...but it was all worth it in the end when I accepted a first grade job just down the street from our brand new home.   Life has been incredibly good to us this year.  

But I knew that my position was a one year only contract.  I've tried not to think about it all year long, although secretly I knew this position would just be one year.  I remember setting up my classroom and telling my twin sister how I didn't want to go too overboard...especially if I wasn't there next year (yes, that's me the pessimist).   But I was so glad just to have my foot in the door with the district which could make finding another job easier.  

My principal sat down with me a month ago updating me on the situation...the district was predicting low numbers in first grade...they really wanted me to stay at my school...would I maybe be interested in teaching another grade level?....we'll let you know in April after the budget meetings.

 I left the meeting feeling nervous and worried.  I immediately went home and started looking for jobs again wondering if I had made the wrong decision last spring.  I didn't want to do this all over again.  It had taken everything out of me last year to make this move, every ounce of bravery.  Putting yourself in a vulnerable position is hard, especially with the possibility of rejection. 

So I've been praying and trusting that everything will work out.  And it has.  I was offered a fourth grade position at my school last week and I gladly accepted.  I began teaching in fourth grade seven years ago.  It sort of feels like going home.  I'm excited, nervous, and ready.   But it also means another year of change ahead. This year has been hard.  Learning a new school, district, grade.  Learning a new culture of families...somedays the only thing I've been able to do is keep my head above water.  

I know I have to work hard to be where I want to be.  I've been told time after time how fortunate I am to have landed a job in my district.  I have been truly thankful everyday and I'm ready to prove myself once again. 

My Exercise Routine Consists of Doing Diddly Squats

A post about exercise...say whhhaat??

The last time I did any sort of exercise was in October when I was 'encouraged' to run a mile with my first grade students.  I was completely embarrassed as I crossed the finish line with all the moms and dads cheering and wanting to give me a giant high five.  My family will tell you that I am not a high fiving-throw your arms up into the air kind of girl...go team go! moments embarrass the heck out of me.  My husband tries to give me a high five at least once a day...:)

 I'm pretty sure the last time I had run a mile before that was in junior high when we would sneakily cut corners just so the torture would be over faster. I was never very athletic, despite my dad's enthusiasm and effort to get one of his daughter's to stick with some sort of sport.  Now that I think of it though, I dominated four square and kick ball in elementary school so maybe I do have some athletic talent after all...

*  *  *

Rewind 18 months ago and I was 100 months pregnant and weighed 55 pounds more than I do now.  I had gone from eating pretty strict Paleo to whatever my pregnant self wanted to eat. My 5'3 frame did not hide the weight well and it's been a slow process for the weight to come off. None the less, I'm proud of myself for losing over 50 lbs with just changing my diet. 

So the weight is off, but things do not look the same a t  a l l.  I truly don't mind the stretch marks here and there because they are my mark of motherhood.  I grew a child inside of me and there is nothing more important or sacred to me. 

When Everdeen was just a teeny tiny being inside of me I worried about my self esteem and how I would teach my own daughter to love herself, to stand proud, and to be confident when I rarely felt those things.  18 months have passed and my sweet girl is watching, listening, and learning from everything I do.  I want her to see that her mama can be strong and confident. It's not about a number on the scale or the size of pants I can wear...I want to feel proud of myself, maybe even enough to give someone a high five..but don't push your luck ;). And so my journey to self love (and to be honest, looking decent in a swimming suit wouldn't hurt) is just beginning. 

My husband is a great CrossFitter and has built his own home gym in our garage.  It's only been a week and I am just as sore as when I gave birth, but I haven't quit and to me that is a huge accomplishment.  

hello! {and some thoughts}

Hello Friends!

Tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for...well, since I was in elementary school.  That's a long time to wait ;) 

Tomorrow is my first official day at my new school.  My brain is literally about to explode from all the orientations I've had to attend this week, but I know with time everything will become routine again and breathing will become a little easier.   As I've been meeting all of my new colleagues I am missing my dear friends that I taught with for so many years very much...going into the trenches everyday together makes your friendships incredibly strong.  

It's funny...I lived in Denver for almost seven years and within a month of not being there I hardly remember what it was like.  Our horrible upstairs neighbors who I'm pretty sure housed elephants for the circus are just a speck of the past.  The hours spent in the car during rush hour, the rough and tough neighborhood I drove to everyday to do my job, the insecurities I felt living in a big city...POOF! They're gone.  Just like that. 

I always knew I wasn't myself there.  I hardly left my apartment when I was home and when I did it was because I had probably spent an hour mentally preparing myself...even if it was to just go for a walk with Everdeen or run to Target.   I know that may sound so incredibly ridiculous to most, but that's just me.  Taking eons to adjust to something, especially to something that I really don't want to adjust to.   

But I'm home now. I don't think I've ever gone on so many walks with my little girl.  We walk and walk and walk as we explore the neighborhoods and prairie around us.   We draw pictures with chalk on the sidewalk, talk to the neighbors walking their dogs (the dachshunds Sam and Sally are our new favorite friends), and go for wagon rides.   This is how it's supposed to be.  This is what we've been waiting for. 

At night, I rock Everdeen by the window as I read from Little House on the Prairie.  I watch as the pink and purple sky fades and the sun sets over the foothills.  It's breathtaking.  Sometimes we hear the whistle of the train  as it passes through town...it's one of my favorite sounds and reminds me of when I was a little girl hearing that same whistle off in the distance as I drifted off to sleep. 

*  *  *

On Monday, I went to one of the local high schools for new teacher orientation.  As I walked through the parking lot to get to the front entrance I began to hear cheering and clapping...it got louder as I got closer and I could make out some of the cheers, "Welcome to PSD!" "We're so glad you're here!"  My feet suddenly hit a long red carpet that was lined by all the principals and important district personnel.  They were smiling and waving and although I was probably as red in the face as the carpet I couldn't help but laugh and smile back.   This is my new school home and these people will become my new school family.

I have never felt so lucky.

I know that these next few months are going to challenge me as I learn a new school, new students, and their families.  But I'm ready for the challenge.  I feel comforted in knowing that I get to bring myself with me to my new school.  I can bring with me the past six years...the ups and downs.  Everything that has formed me into the teacher I am today is still with me.   

I can't wait to share more about our new home and our new jobs and how we all of a sudden have a little walker amongst us.  But for now, I just needed to say hello and catch my breath before I dive into a new school year! 

A Little Quiet

 It finally feels like the end of the school year is near.  We've had so many snowy and cold days the past few weeks that I was beginning to wonder if warm days were ever going to come again.   But today the sun is shining warmly and it feels good.  Even the air smells different...you can smell the earth and the growing grass and it feels familiar. Hello spring, we've been waiting a long time for you.

I feel like I've been quiet on my blog lately...that always happens when life is stirring.  I want to write about everything that is going on, but I'm so afraid that if I put it out for everyone to see it will disappear and I'll be back at square one again.  So for now I'm enjoying these new warm days with my family and trying not to become too overwhelmed.   I know everything always works out the way it is meant to be and so it will this time too.  

Did You Know I Had a Birthday This Year?

I did.

I turned the big 2-7 last month along with my twin sister. We seem to be edging closer and closer to 30 every year.  Funny how that works. 27 always seemed so far away, but here it is.

Year 26 was great. I spent so much of my year truly soul searching.  I wish I could say that when the clock struck 12 on my birthday I magically had all the answers...but I didn't.  I do however, feel more at ease with where my life is at this moment in time. 

I was listening to one of my favorite songs the other day...Dream by Priscilla Ahn. I love this song and every time I listen to it I feel like the song was written for me.

I know my soul searching isn't over...is it ever really?  I know that year 27 is going to be filled with incredible things, people, places. I'm excited for this next year of life. I'm always striving to be a better person, a better wife, friend, sister, daughter.  This will be a year of big changes and I'm ready with my new perspective to take on all the challenges that are coming my way. And I might still have to ask occasionally if this is where I'm supposed to be...but that's okay. I know if I take a moment, close my eyes, and take a deep breath things always look clearer. 

I think I'm liking being 27... 

Crooked

The other weekend my parents were in town. We were all gathered together talking about what the newest member of our family will look like...will he have dark hair like my sister? Will he be blonde like my brother-in-law? Will he have a Redente nose or Backos nose...both representing their European country respectably. 

I stared at my parents. 

Who did I look like?

I asked my parents' opinion. My mom told me I looked more like my dad. I stared at my dad. I have his oval face. His Italian coloring. But my other features seem to be a perfect blend between the two. I told my parents jokingly I would have appreciated a more symmetrical face.

"My smile is crooked," I said. "One side goes up higher than the other."

My dad tilted his head to the side, looked at me inquisitively, and said, "Only sometimes, but that's you...that's Jessica." 

I looked at my amazingly beautiful and very symmetrical older sister. "Do you like everything about the way you look? You never complain." She told me that even if she doesn't like something, she can't change it, so she accepts it. Very sound advice.

I've despised my crooked smile since I noticed it in my 7th grade school picture. I've spent hours in front of the mirror trying to figure out how to smile so both sides of my face are the same. An incredible waste of time for something I cannot change.

The moment my dad said those words, 'That's Jessica', something changed inside of me. I don't know why it's taken thirteen years or why it was that exact moment. I think I finally saw it from my parent's perspective. They wondered for nine months who I would look like and when I finally arrived they undoubtedly spent hours staring at their new baby...excited that she had her daddy's eyes and her mom's fingers. Not caring for one moment that her smile was crooked.

I am their daughter, their creation, I am made up of bits and pieces from both of them. I'm proud to look like both of my beautiful parents...two of the people I admire most on this earth. 

Although neither of them have a crooked smile, that's just something unique to me, I think I'm okay with being the only one in my family with this quality. 

That's just me. 

Last Year

We have nine more days until Fall Break. It has me thinking a lot about last year at this time.  Martin and I were planning for our trip to Oregon, but we actually didn't know if we were going to be able to go at first. We had just received the life changing news that Martin had lost his job...do we still go? Our plane tickets are bought. Are we making a smart choice going on a vacation when we are down to one income again?

We had a million questions and thoughts running through our heads, but in the end we decided that we needed to go. Go and clear our heads in the beautiful state of Oregon.  Figure out where our lives were going next.

So we went. And we loved it.

We had decided to originally go with the thought that this is the place we would move to someday. We wanted to explore and check it out...would we fit in? Could we see ourselves living here?

Yes and Yes.

Maybe someday Oregon will be in our future plans. But for now we like to talk about our time we shared together, dealing with and solving our first major crisis as a married couple.  It was just the two of us alone, thinking and wondering about our future. We were in control...it was up to us to figure it out. 

It was on that trip that my husband and I decided that going back to school would be his best option. He decided on culinary school. With all his options, that was the one he kept going back to, that was the choice that made him the most excited.  Martin had been given a second chance...losing his job had been a blessing in disguise. I can see that now.

When I feel uncertain about my future I think about this time in our lives. It all worked out. We survived...we took a leap of faith, jumping with our eyes closed, holding hands and not letting go. 

Martin and I have been thinking a lot about next year. We have that excited feeling in the pit of our stomaches again. We're dreaming of new adventures...we feel excited about new possibilities and new surroundings.
It might be time to take another leap of faith...

i love the smell of dryer sheets in the morning

When I was little I never minded vacuuming the house or dusting the furniture...and I often did these things without being told. I loved surprising my mom when she got home from work. I couldn't wait to point out all the things I had perfectly cleaned for her. 

My family still jokes about how different my twin sister and I are when it comes to cleaning.  One of our favorite phrases growing up was, "Looks like a bomb hit Kate's room again!" But I would always come to her rescue when she was told to get her room cleaned up right now. She would be sitting on her bed, sniffling, and wondering how she would get things put away before dinner. I would quietly knock on her door, sneak in without being seen, and secretly help her put things away. I'm sure my parents knew it was always me who cleaned it...

Now as an adult, when my home is in order, my life feels in order...even when it's not.  I can deceive myself into feeling like everything is the way it should be and it puts my mind at ease. 

Last week amidst the chaos of my life, my sweet husband came to my rescue and cleaned the apartment for me while I was at work. The giant pile of laundry had been folded and put away, the floors vacuumed, the bed made. It was such a wonderful surprise. And I'm still finding surprises, like finding my dress pants folded in my pajama drawer :) 

New Day New Dress

Last night my husband took me out on a date.

I knew it was a real date because he let me choose where we got to eat.

There was a card waiting for me when I got home.  It said it hoped my heart was happy today and it was...because I got to spend the evening with Martin laughing and enjoying his company.

I know life has its ups and downs. And I know it's about how we react to situations that make our lives what they will be. I am pulling every ounce of strength I have to be positive and know that this is my life...and I can't let it be effected by a few bad apples. It's a new day and there are so many things to be grateful for.  I'm done dwelling on the negative and I'm ready to look forward to all the happy things in my future.

Thank you readers for your kind words, they mean the world to me :)

{My dress}

smile when your heart is breaking

Truth time...today was the hardest day of teaching I've ever experienced. I got home and completely broke down, crying until there were no more tears left to cry.  But after pep talks from everyone closest to me and advice that will get me through I can wake up and go again tomorrow. And maybe I'll need a little encouragement everyday this year, but that's what my family is for. 

This evening I took a long, long, long, hot shower to calm myself down (sorry neighbors if you no longer have any hot water)and when I went to take out my contacts I saw this in the case.  My eyelash had formed the perfect smiley face. It was looking up at me telling me that life was going to be okay.

And of course this little guy makes me smile everyday, especially when he sleeps in my husband's underwear basket. 

so long glorious naps...

I'm going to miss my afternoon naps...and snuggling with my babies.

 Kindergarten starts on Monday.  The whole school is on Kindergarten alert :) and I'm definitely going to need a nap after school. The first day, the first few weeks are exhausting.  My body has to readjust to standing on my feet all day, not eating when I want to, not taking a nap on a spontaneous whim. What wise guy took naps away from Kindergarten? 

Naps are a necessity to life.

Balance

Summer feels like it's slipping away fast, probably because I'm back into the swing of things at school and the glimmer of warm summer days spent by the pool are fading fast. Did I really spend two weeks in Florida? It feels like forever ago. Martin thought we still needed to enjoy a warm summer evening together so we jumped in the car and headed through Denver to find some ice cream.

We meandered down the highway into a very up and coming neighborhood where the restaurant lights were twinkling in the dusk as corporate workers laughed over a glasses of wine.  I always wonder what it would be like to have a job in an office...in a skyscraper in the middle of a bustling city.  I could wear a stylish suite with my beautiful heels as I walked along feeling very important. Teacher's aren't known for their stylish work attire and sometimes I look longingly at clothes that would make me feel and look more grown up. But Elmer's glue and sticky fingers don't mix well with Gucci and Prada.  And sitting criss cross applesauce in a slim fitting pencil skirt would probably rip the seams...

Her shoes matched the pink clouds

We strolled along as we ate our gelato...mine was honey and Martin's was chocolate coffee toffee.  I could feel the stresses of work slowly disappearing. It didn't feel like a school night and I liked that. Usually I come home from school and call it a night, but there are so many hours left in the day still...hours that can be filled with exploring and enjoying time with my husband in this big city. 

We get so consumed by our daily lives...work mostly.  I'm trying to hold onto the way I felt those last few weeks of summer vacation...I felt in control of my life, I felt calm.  Nothing was to big to handle and the small stresses in life seemed pointless.  The minute I walked into school I could feel the energy, the stress, the anxiety...deadlines, test scores, meetings. But it's okay. Work is work. While I'm there I'll work my very best helping to make my school a place that I can be proud of.  But when I'm home, it needs to be about Martin and I...and our life. Maybe I'm finally understanding the balance I need. 

 I know summer is slowly fading. I can already feel the change in the morning air, a little cooler a little crisper...it smells like school. It always makes me a little sad, I wish I could hold onto it just a little longer.  Just a few more nights of hand holding as we eat our ice cream, a few more days where the only relief from the heat is to jump into a freezing cold pool, just a few more nights of listening to the crickets latest orchestral arrangement as we fall asleep. 

Soon enough it will be fall and with that comes some of my favorite things...especially this year when I'll become an auntie :) This year is about enjoying life...taking in the smallest of moments, taking advantage of the things around us. I'm working my hardest at learning how to do these things...and I know that a little balance in my life will make it that much easier. 

Healing

It has been five months since I changed the way I eat. I can't say that everyday has been my best, but I'm proud of myself and I feel better...healthier. There are several reasons why I decided to start eating Paleo, but the biggest reason was for my future.

When I was in high school I was diagnosed with PCOS. My first fear was that I wouldn't be able to have children...I was only 16 and all I could think about was the word infertility.  I thought about the fact that I now had an increased chance of getting adult-onset diabetes and that my teenage skin problems would probably continue if not worsen.  My doctor immediately put me on a birth control pill, but that wouldn't cure me of my PCOS or any of my symptoms. And I was told that when I decided to have children they would start me off right away with fertility drugs. Never once did they say anything about finding a natural way to solve the diagnosis.

PCOS causes excess insulin in our bodies, along with an array of embarrassing and unwanted symptoms.  But what if you took a natural approach to reducing the insulin? If you removed the foods that your body is fighting against? Ridding your body of simple sugars and gluten, and in my case dairy too. Replacing it with protein, nuts and non starchy vegetables. Realizing that what you put into your body is so important to your health and well being. 

My body is healing itself. 

I know that my insulin levels have stabilized because I can feel the change. I'm no longer shaky and lightheaded before I eat lunch  or dinner. My skin is finally clear (which is amazing to me after having taken every pill and potion available with no permanent results). I have more energy. My migraines are far and few in between. My cycle is finally regular. My body composition has changed...for the better :) 

I still struggle daily with food as I've had to begin to change 26 years of eating habits. Sometimes I honestly just want to eat a bag of Cheetos, but remembering why I've made these changes gets me through to another day. Soon it will become routine for me and I won't have to think about it. 

I don't know what the future holds, but I hope that someday I won't have these uncertain thoughts of infertility floating through my mind. That I'll be able to join the motherhood club and that by going back to the way humans have been eating for thousands of years, I will help my body work the way it's supposed to.    

home sweet colorado

I'm home.

It's bittersweet. 

I love coming home, I can't wait to see Martin after he gets home from work...seeing my sweet Wilson and Margo. 

But I already miss my sister. It was hard to say goodbye. 

My last few days were spent cramming in everything we could think of before I had to leave. I even got to work on a special little project with my future brother-in-law that I can't wait to share with you!

Now it's time to start wrapping my head around the fact that I report back to school on Tuesday. It's that time of year again...new ideas twirling around in my head. I'm excited for the school year and excited that my mind has had the rest it needed. 

It's time to put away the tank tops and shorts and dust off my school clothes.  Replace my flip flops with my trusty Danskos. But this year, I'm ready to take the me I rediscovered this summer with me.  I feel refreshed...rejuvenated.

It's going to be a good year.