Sunday, April 29, 2012

On Being a Twin: Part 5

In one week I will be reunited with my twin sister.
She will stand on the beach with the love of her life, surrounded by just her family, and exchange her vows of love. I can not wait!

When I got married almost three years ago it was a big adjustment for Kate and I.  We were inseparable. But at the same time, I needed to learn my new role as a wife.  Martin and I needed to begin our life together, he needed to be the person I went to for everything, made important decisions with. It was a big shift for us.

Some days have been hard and filled with tears. There have been feelings of being left out and of not feeling important enough.  But I think after three years we have settled into our new roles.  Martin knows that Kate is still the one I share almost everything with and he's okay with that. He knows that sometimes he doesn't have the right words to say, but Kate does.  And I know that my sister feels the same way.  That sometimes there are things I can only share with my husband. 

And now maybe it's my turn to learn a new role.  Let Kate and Bobby begin their newly married life together.  Understand that her new husband needs to be number one in her life now. Although, I am a very close second ;) We are both so lucky to be with men who are so understanding of our unique relationship.  They know that our bond is unlike anything and they have never tried to get in the way of that. 

I am so incredibly happy for my sister I could burst with joy! I can't wait for this next chapter in her life, in our lives.  It's going to be beautiful.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


How amazing that a woman's body is able to grow and change to carry another life. Every mark of pending motherhood reminds us of this job we were chosen to do. From the dark line running up our bellies to stretch marks that we try to wish away. They are all there, not as a sacrifice of our bodies, but as part of the journey of giving life to another. 

I feel like I've been struggling with feeling beautiful lately.  I'm not fishing for compliments...just trying to be honest and record how I have felt during this pregnancy...the good and bad.  I put my own insecurities into what I think others are thinking about me, especially my husband. Sometimes I mope around the apartment sad that he probably no longer finds me attractive.  That he won't want to kiss me or hold me in his arms because my body has changed too much. That I'm a stranger to reality I'm the only one actually feeling and thinking these things.
I'm sure that my husband has had adjust how he sees me in someways.  My growing belly doesn't exactly look like the old Jessica he's known for the past decade.  And it's true, I am no longer the same Jessica from high school and college.  I am no longer the same Jessica from our wedding day.

I am Jessica becoming a mother. 

I know that nine months is a tiny speck in this life of mine and before I know it I will be holding my little girl in my arms. My belly will no longer look like a basketball and I will have a body that is mine again.  I need to love these new curves my body has. I need to love the dark line creeping up my individual mark of motherhood. I need to love every part of my pregnant body, because it is beautiful, swollen ankles and all.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Are You There Sleep? It's Me, Jessica

I'm pretty sure it would have been nice to know that you don't sleep when you are pregnant. Oh, you did? It's just me?
That's nice.
I was so frustrated last night, tossing and turning (or rather lifting my extra twenty pounds of body up and plopping it down on the other out of breath from that single motion it was pitiful). And there lay my peacefully sleeping husband with the two cats snoring away. I may or may not have glared and muttered mean things in their direction.
(haha I couldn't even get through taking pictures without one of my ginormous yawns)
Everyone jokes and laughs that my body is just preparing itself for when the baby arrives. "Now you'll have practiced what it's like to not sleep!" they say a little too jollily. I don't want to practice. I want to sleep.

Maybe I'm being selfish. 
Maybe I'm grumpy because I haven't slept in almost a week.
Maybe I'm tired of people telling me I look tired.
But there is one nice thing about being wide awake at 3am. Our baby girl is wide awake too.  In fact, I think she may have taken up tap dancing in there.  I'll just add this to my list of things I can make her feel guilty about when she is a snarly teenager :) 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

This Is What We Do

We are park people.

Martin and I have been going to the park since we were in high school. It was our place to escape, to learn about each other, to fall in love. Sometimes we go to the park to catch up on a week's worth of conversations. Sometimes we go to have a serious conversation that we've been meaning to have for a while. Sometimes we go and act silly and feel like we're in high school again. Sometimes we go and are quiet as we sit and people watch. Sometimes we go and just lay next to each other in the grass and close our eyes. 

I can't help but think that in a few short months we will be able to bring the newest addition to our family with us. It will feel different when it's not just the two of us anymore.  It may not be as simple as it was before...throwing a blanket in the car at a moments notice will be replaced by a stroller, diaper bag, and all things baby.  But as time passes, I hope that our daughter will come to enjoy the simplicity of an afternoon at the park.  And I hope she knows someday how special these moments will be for our little family.