Friday, September 28, 2012

sometimes I cry like a baby

This week was Everdeen's two month appointment. It went great until it was time for her shots. I had always heard stories of mommies crying when their babies got their first shots and I always thought that was a little over the top...seriously ladies, it's a tiny prick, over in seconds.

Umm, I totally was that mommy. 
I held Everdeen tight and buried my face into her neck and tried my best to soothe her cries all the while my eyes were brimming with big tears that I couldn't keep from over flowing down my face. Each prick brought a new cry, louder than the last. 
Oh, that cry.
She zonked out on the car ride home and was her chipper self the rest of the evening. I think the whole experience was worse for me.  Martin told me the other day that I am "such a typical first time mom."  

It's true. 
I am. 

Yes, I worry and wonder if every little thing she does is normal as I run to look it up in the baby book. "Her hairstyle looks like an old man's! Is that normal?!?"  But that's my job, to make sure she's okay. I will never want to see my little girl in pain, or sad, or afraid.  And I know she will feel all of those things at different times in her life.  But if I can take away even a few seconds of hurt for her when she scrapes her knee or cry with her when she breaks up with her first boyfriend, then I know I am doing my job as her mommy.  

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Monday, September 24, 2012

two months

Everdeen Kate is two months old today! I think I'll say this every month, but where has the time gone? 

At eight weeks we are getting really good at our daily schedule and I start to think, "Wow! this is easy!" And then of course the moment those words float through my brain I have every possible bodily fluid on my clothes and in my hair and Everdeen is crying at the top of her lungs. But we live for the moments in between the little meltdowns and are so thankful each day for our happy baby girl.  

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Birth Story {Part 3}

You can read part I and part II of my birth story :) 

After I made the decision to get the epidural, things moved quickly. Within minutes I was out of the bathtub and moved to the bed.  Now I would be stuck there and not be able to move the way my body would need me to.  But I was also so tired that I knew it was the best decision. 

Soon the overly cheerful anesthesiologist walked in. Her name was Jessica too and she told me that she was here to save the day...I didn't look at her and wished she would stop talking. I didn't see it as her rescuing me and I felt like I had failed. As she prepped me for the epidural she told me I would only feel about three more contractions. I felt so I would be numb. 

By then it was 3am. I laid down in bed as my legs began to feel tingly.  Soon my entire body was itchy, which can be a side effect from the medicine. I was uncomfortable and no matter how much I scratched the itching continued. I eventually fell in and out of sleep while my doula snuck me food so that I could keep my strength up.  By morning I had progressed a little more so they continued to let me rest and let my body progress on its own. I don't remember much from the time I received the epidural to the time I started pushing. I was in and out of sleep most of the day...hoping the next time I was checked it would be time to push.
The next time I did wake up the light in the room was different. It was late afternoon and I was anxious to see if I had made any more progress. The new midwife Leigh, who I had met for the first time the day before, came in to see me. She would be delivering my baby after all!  She checked my progress and I was almost there! I had never felt so happy! It had been almost 30 hours since I had arrived at the hospital and 12 hours since I had received the epidural. I was ready to get this show on the road. 

Around 4 pm it was finally time to push. My epidural was still allowing me to feel strong pressure with each contraction, which I was thankful for.  I would know when to push on my own and for the next two hours I did just that.  I pushed with everything I had...Martin and I had waited so long to meet our daughter and I knew we were so close. 

As our baby began to make her way into this world I could hear lots of whispering. I opened my eyes and saw a whole crew of people in the background who hadn't been there before. My heart began to race as my midwife calmly explained that they had found meconium and that they would need to take my baby right away to be suctioned.  I knew then that I wouldn't be the first to hold my little girl and Martin wouldn't be able to cut the cord. Things were just not going the way we had planned at all.  

So with a few more strong pushes and everyone around me telling me I could do it, Everdeen was finally here...twelve days late and 32 hours later she was here. They whisked her away and Martin followed quickly behind.  He tells me how Everdeen grasped his finger right away as they worked clearing her lungs.  I was so glad he had been there with her.  I could hear her little cry and they told me from across the room that everything was okay and that she was healthy...some of the best words a mother can here. 
They brought her over to me and laid her pink body on my chest. She was quiet and calm and I held her tight. There truly are no words to describe that moment. That was my little Everdeen, the one who had been with me for the past ten months. I could finally touch her and feel her. She was perfect and she was ours. 
Martin and I looked at each other and we felt complete.  This is our family.  Our sweet baby girl was worth it all...and there's no doubt in my mind that I would do it all over again, even the parts that weren't part of our plan, just to have Everdeen in our lives. 

Birth Story {Part 2}

You can read the first part of my birth story here :)

As my sister walked me up to labor and delivery my mind was racing. All I wanted to do was to burst into tears, but I held it together. One of my favorite midwives, Ann, met me in my hospital room. It was a large airy room with a great view of the mountains.  I kept thinking to myself, "Okay, this is where you're going to have your baby. Today is the day."  

They sat me down and began to explain the induction process. I asked Ann how common it was for someone who is given pitocin to still be able to deliver without an epidural. She said it had been done, but was very difficult. All of my plans were floating out the window.  Martin and I had prepared for months and months for a natural drug free birth.  Already things had changed. I had been in labor for over a week and my body was tired. I tried to keep calm and tell myself that my baby needed to come today so she would still be healthy, so if my plans had to change because of that it was okay...but I didn't really feel okay about it.  I was disappointed.  
As Ann continued to calmly talk me through the induction procedure my contractions were coming back very strongly.  She would talk and then patiently wait through my contraction and then keep talking.  Within just a few minutes my contractions were coming about every five minutes.  My midwife told me she would give me some time, she knew that a natural birth was what I wanted more than anything. She would wait until Martin arrived at the hospital before she proceeded any further. As she got ready to leave my room I had another powerful contraction and I think she knew that I wouldn't be needing an induction after all. 
Soon after that my doula, Faith, arrived and so did Martin.  I was so relieved to see both of them.  We got our things set up in the room as I changed into my hospital gown.  Martin figured out the DVD player and put in my favorite episodes of Glee :) My mood was calm and I felt happy...we were going to have our baby today and I wasn't going to need an induction.  The timing of my contractions starting up again couldn't have been more perfect. 

I began to labor through the evening. This was it! My contractions were so strong, but I was able to work through them with the help of Martin and Faith.  I tried every position and every remedy to help ease the pain; walking, standing, using the birthing ball, a hot clay pack for my back.  I remember I spent most of my time swaying back and forth leaning against the window sill watching a lightning show outside my window. The lights were dim and quiet music played. This is exactly how I had pictured it. 
As night fell I lost all sense of time.  I remember though when my contractions started coming every minute...lasting almost two minutes each, it must have been close to 9pm. I had been in active labor now for almost 8 hours. Around midnight Faith told me it was time for the bath. Let me tell you, having hot water spray over your back had never felt so good! The nurse brought in battery operated candles and lined the bathtub and they turned off the lights.  It was peaceful, but I was struggling through each contraction. Each one took everything out of me and I didn't have enough time to recover before the next one swept over my body. My body was so tired. During the minute rest that I would have between my contractions, as silly as it sounds, I tried to sleep. All I wanted was just a few minutes of sleep.   

I think my doula and Martin could tell I was struggling and needed some good news about my progression.  Faith called in my midwife, Jessica. I remember her checking my progress and not telling me the number of centimeters I was. Instead she kindly said, "You have been working so so hard.  I don't want you to be discouraged."  I knew then that I hadn't progressed in almost 12 hours...I was still only 4cm.  I remember saying over and over that I didn't know how much longer I could do this. I am so thankful for our doula, Faith.  She gave me pep talk after pep talk and reassured me when I was at my lowest. I was able to go almost an hour longer in the bathtub and then I hit the wall again. This time I started to cry...and I mean the loud uncontrollable sobs.  I couldn't breathe through my contractions and the pain seemed to take over my body. 

I looked up at Faith and told her that I thought I needed an epidural. I was so disappointed in myself. Faith could tell and took my hand. She told me that I had been so strong and had been working for over a week at having my baby...and to remember that most women don't have a labor like this. She told me that I could do it naturally and she would be by my side encouraging me the whole time. But she reminded me that my contractions were on top of each other so it might be a wise decision to get the epidural so I didn't become too exhausted when it came time to push, which could lead to an unwanted c-section.  She left the bathroom to go get Martin so we could have some alone time to think it over.  The moment Martin sat by my side I burst into tears again.  He tried to calm me down and talk me through my decision. A few minutes later we decided that an epidural would be best.   

Saturday, September 15, 2012

in one month...

I will be done with my maternity leave. 
How can it be that time already?
It has gone too fast, way too fast...didn't I just have my baby girl? Isn't she still too little to not have her mama around her every day, all day? 
Every time I think about that Monday morning and walking out the door, having to say goodbye to my precious baby girl for the day, my throat becomes tight and my eyes fill with tears. I would do absolutely anything, truly anything in this world to be able to stay home with my daughter...I hate that I have to go back. I know it's not possible for me to stay home and I know going back to work is what's best for my family, but oh does it seem like the most unfair thing in this world.  
I know what's waiting for me at school...and none of it seems important to me. I like my simple days of cuddling my little Everdeen closely in my arms as she drifts off to sleep. I love laying on the rug in the sunny spot as she does tummy time and cheering loudly every time she holds her head up longer and longer.  I love spending our afternoons listening to music and just staring at each other, learning each other's faces, every crease, every feature becoming ingrained in our minds.  I love listening to her coo in her bassinet as she wakes up from her nap...I love being everything she needs right now. 
My husband and I have this dream of living out in the country and owning a small farm.  We would have goats and make fancy cheeses and sell them at the farmer's market.  Last fall Martin had been in contact with the owner of a lavender farm who was selling his land and the business.  We both thought that would be the most magical place for a little girl to grow up...can you just imagine?
Maybe someday...we can all three be home together, working, living, enjoying a beautiful life together away from the busy city. 
But for now, I have one more month left.  And you can bet that I am going to soak up every single moment...not thinking about the future, but thinking about the right now and how precious this time is with my sweet little baby.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

one million

Our little girl is only six weeks old, but I'm pretty sure I have already given those sweet cheeks and that tiny little nose a million kisses...

Thursday, September 6, 2012

28 years of wonderfulness

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. We celebrated Hawaiian style...spam and eggs for breakfast, Hawaiian BBQ chicken for dinner, coconut gelato with macadamia nuts for dessert. I even found our Hawaiian CDs from our honeymoon to play in the background...we could just imagine the warm ocean breeze on our faces. 

Martin had to work on his birthday, which I think is a shame, but he got in lots of snuggle time with Everdeen in the morning  
 I'm so blessed to get to spend another year with you. This past year was filled with so many new things...we found out we were going to be parents and now we have a little family of three. You are the most amazing husband a girl could ask for and Everdeen has the most amazing daddy a girl could ask for. I know this next year will be filled with lots of new adventures and changes and I'm so glad we get to do them together.  I love you so so much.