My Story {In Honor Of World Breastfeeding Week}

It's been a little less than two years and I still have twinges of guilt that flood me. You see, my breastfeeding experience wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I felt defeated at the end -like I had failed at the most important thing...feeding my new daughter.  How can something so natural be so hard? There are so many stories out there from other moms, but maybe my story will help someone else out there know that they don't have to be alone when struggling with breastfeeding. 

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When Everdeen was born she was immediately taken away to be suctioned. They had found meconium and thought it might be in her lungs. When they finally placed her little body on mine I felt such a sense of relief...but I had hoped that I would have been the first one to hold her. 

My doula stayed with me and helped Everdeen latch on right away. But the moment she started nursing I felt an excruciating pain. I knew breastfeeding might be uncomfortable, but this pain was too much to bear. I remember the nurses kept asking me what my pain level was while breastfeeding. I'm not one to usually complain to strangers, but I remember saying it was beyond a 10. My doula worked with me the entire time I was in the hospital trying to problem solve. Everdeen's latch was good...although there was thought that maybe the suctioning had caused her some trauma and had her wanting to clamp down when nursing. I worked with the hospital's lactation specialist and by the end of our time together she had diagnosed me with Raynaud's Phenomenon.  She prescribed me a medication called Nifidipine, usually used to treat high blood pressure. I was feeling overwhelmed as a new mother and on top of everything else breastfeeding was becoming more difficult than I had ever thought it would be. However, I left the hospital feeling hopeful that I could overcome the pain and have a successful breastfeeding experience with Everdeen.

A few days into our new adventure and I felt like I was beginning to get the hang of everything.  My doula came over several times to make sure Everdeen's latch was successful and to make sure things were going smoothly.  She suggested I use a heating pad before I nursed to help open the blood vessels, which would ease the pain. I had begun taking my new medication and thought I was seeing improvements. But a few days later I experienced sever dizziness that left me crawling on my hands and knees praying I wouldn't pass out with my newborn baby in my arms. I stopped taking the medication right away and told myself I would just bear through the pain...I mean maybe it would get better with time? 

It didn't. I remember my mom and older sister would stop by after work and check in on me those first few weeks. Everdeen would be crying and ready to eat, but I was beginning to resent feeding her. I cried almost every time she latched on. It was like forcing myself to keep touching the hot burner on the stove every two hours. I just couldn't do it anymore. My older sister, who was still nursing my 8 month old nephew, took Everdeen and fed her for me. She didn't feel any pain from her latch so I knew it really must be me. They gently suggested I try to feed Everdeen some formula...just to give myself a rest...I burst into tears (for the 40 millionth time). I didn't want to have to supplement. I wanted my baby to have my milk. My doula suggested that maybe I consider solely pumping and bottle feeding my breast milk. I liked that idea.

The next day I went out and bought myself a pump. I learned how to power pump to get my milk supply up and began pumping every two hours. Strangely enough, pumping didn't hurt nearly as bad as nursing. But it was time consuming and exhausting. I felt guilty leaving Everdeen in the baby swing while I sat at the kitchen table listening to the droning sound of the pump...a sound that had become all too familiar very quickly. The worst was when I pumped after Everdeen's 1am feeding. I could barely keep my eyes open, but knew if I skipped the session my milk supply would begin to decrease. 

A few weeks later I did notice that my milk supply was decreasing and the power pumping I did didn't seem to be working anymore. My start back to work was looming in the very near future and I feared that I wouldn't be able to keep up my supply once I started back. I began to start supplementing Everdeen's bottles with formula when I went back to work in the fall. I tried to pump at school, but it was just too difficult.  It only took a few weeks before I was barely able produce milk anymore. 

The decision to stop pumping and to move to just formula was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make. I think from an outsiders perspective it seemed like the obvious choice...but my mommy guilt was crushing and I felt like I had given up. Everdeen had gotten my milk for three months, which is wonderful! But I couldn't see that. I remember feeling mad and jealous at those around me who seemed to have no problems nursing. I felt hurt by anything I read that suggested formula fed babies were inferior to breastfed babies. But secretly deep down I also felt a sense of relief. I didn't have to spend hours pumping now and I could truly enjoy feeding my sweet girl for the first time. There were no more tears, just songs sung while I rocked my little one while she ate. Martin was really able to start bonding with Everdeen while feeding her too, which wasn't something he hadn't been able to do before.

When I look back at my story it's just that...mine. No one else's will be quite the same, but maybe my words can give a little reassurance to someone experiencing something similar. Whether you breastfeed, pump, or formula feed, one thing is still the same.  We are all mothers and we can only do the best we can do at that time. And most importantly, we have to accept that each of our stories will be different, not better or worse.

Birth Story {Part 3}

You can read part I and part II of my birth story :) 

After I made the decision to get the epidural, things moved quickly. Within minutes I was out of the bathtub and moved to the bed.  Now I would be stuck there and not be able to move the way my body would need me to.  But I was also so tired that I knew it was the best decision. 

Soon the overly cheerful anesthesiologist walked in. Her name was Jessica too and she told me that she was here to save the day...I didn't look at her and wished she would stop talking. I didn't see it as her rescuing me and I felt like I had failed. As she prepped me for the epidural she told me I would only feel about three more contractions. I felt so sad...now I would be numb. 

By then it was 3am. I laid down in bed as my legs began to feel tingly.  Soon my entire body was itchy, which can be a side effect from the medicine. I was uncomfortable and no matter how much I scratched the itching continued. I eventually fell in and out of sleep while my doula snuck me food so that I could keep my strength up.  By morning I had progressed a little more so they continued to let me rest and let my body progress on its own. I don't remember much from the time I received the epidural to the time I started pushing. I was in and out of sleep most of the day...hoping the next time I was checked it would be time to push.

The next time I did wake up the light in the room was different. It was late afternoon and I was anxious to see if I had made any more progress. The new midwife Leigh, who I had met for the first time the day before, came in to see me. She would be delivering my baby after all!  She checked my progress and I was almost there! I had never felt so happy! It had been almost 30 hours since I had arrived at the hospital and 12 hours since I had received the epidural. I was ready to get this show on the road. 

Around 4 pm it was finally time to push. My epidural was still allowing me to feel strong pressure with each contraction, which I was thankful for.  I would know when to push on my own and for the next two hours I did just that.  I pushed with everything I had...Martin and I had waited so long to meet our daughter and I knew we were so close. 

As our baby began to make her way into this world I could hear lots of whispering. I opened my eyes and saw a whole crew of people in the background who hadn't been there before. My heart began to race as my midwife calmly explained that they had found meconium and that they would need to take my baby right away to be suctioned.  I knew then that I wouldn't be the first to hold my little girl and Martin wouldn't be able to cut the cord. Things were just not going the way we had planned at all.  

So with a few more strong pushes and everyone around me telling me I could do it, Everdeen was finally here...twelve days late and 32 hours later she was here. They whisked her away and Martin followed quickly behind.  He tells me how Everdeen grasped his finger right away as they worked clearing her lungs.  I was so glad he had been there with her.  I could hear her little cry and they told me from across the room that everything was okay and that she was healthy...some of the best words a mother can here. 

They brought her over to me and laid her pink body on my chest. She was quiet and calm and I held her tight. There truly are no words to describe that moment. That was my little Everdeen, the one who had been with me for the past ten months. I could finally touch her and feel her. She was perfect and she was ours. 

Martin and I looked at each other and we felt complete.  This is our family.  Our sweet baby girl was worth it all...and there's no doubt in my mind that I would do it all over again, even the parts that weren't part of our plan, just to have Everdeen in our lives. 

Birth Story {Part 2}

You can read the first part of my birth story here :)

As my sister walked me up to labor and delivery my mind was racing. All I wanted to do was to burst into tears, but I held it together. One of my favorite midwives, Ann, met me in my hospital room. It was a large airy room with a great view of the mountains.  I kept thinking to myself, "Okay, this is where you're going to have your baby. Today is the day."  

They sat me down and began to explain the induction process. I asked Ann how common it was for someone who is given pitocin to still be able to deliver without an epidural. She said it had been done, but was very difficult. All of my plans were floating out the window.  Martin and I had prepared for months and months for a natural drug free birth.  Already things had changed. I had been in labor for over a week and my body was tired. I tried to keep calm and tell myself that my baby needed to come today so she would still be healthy, so if my plans had to change because of that it was okay...but I didn't really feel okay about it.  I was disappointed.  

As Ann continued to calmly talk me through the induction procedure my contractions were coming back very strongly.  She would talk and then patiently wait through my contraction and then keep talking.  Within just a few minutes my contractions were coming about every five minutes.  My midwife told me she would give me some time, she knew that a natural birth was what I wanted more than anything. She would wait until Martin arrived at the hospital before she proceeded any further. As she got ready to leave my room I had another powerful contraction and I think she knew that I wouldn't be needing an induction after all. 

Soon after that my doula, Faith, arrived and so did Martin.  I was so relieved to see both of them.  We got our things set up in the room as I changed into my hospital gown.  Martin figured out the DVD player and put in my favorite episodes of Glee :) My mood was calm and I felt happy...we were going to have our baby today and I wasn't going to need an induction.  The timing of my contractions starting up again couldn't have been more perfect. 

I began to labor through the evening. This was it! My contractions were so strong, but I was able to work through them with the help of Martin and Faith.  I tried every position and every remedy to help ease the pain; walking, standing, using the birthing ball, a hot clay pack for my back.  I remember I spent most of my time swaying back and forth leaning against the window sill watching a lightning show outside my window. The lights were dim and quiet music played. This is exactly how I had pictured it. 

As night fell I lost all sense of time.  I remember though when my contractions started coming every minute...lasting almost two minutes each, it must have been close to 9pm. I had been in active labor now for almost 8 hours. Around midnight Faith told me it was time for the bath. Let me tell you, having hot water spray over your back had never felt so good! The nurse brought in battery operated candles and lined the bathtub and they turned off the lights.  It was peaceful, but I was struggling through each contraction. Each one took everything out of me and I didn't have enough time to recover before the next one swept over my body. My body was so tired. During the minute rest that I would have between my contractions, as silly as it sounds, I tried to sleep. All I wanted was just a few minutes of sleep.   

I think my doula and Martin could tell I was struggling and needed some good news about my progression.  Faith called in my midwife, Jessica. I remember her checking my progress and not telling me the number of centimeters I was. Instead she kindly said, "You have been working so so hard.  I don't want you to be discouraged."  I knew then that I hadn't progressed in almost 12 hours...I was still only 4cm.  I remember saying over and over that I didn't know how much longer I could do this. I am so thankful for our doula, Faith.  She gave me pep talk after pep talk and reassured me when I was at my lowest. I was able to go almost an hour longer in the bathtub and then I hit the wall again. This time I started to cry...and I mean the loud uncontrollable sobs.  I couldn't breathe through my contractions and the pain seemed to take over my body. 

I looked up at Faith and told her that I thought I needed an epidural. I was so disappointed in myself. Faith could tell and took my hand. She told me that I had been so strong and had been working for over a week at having my baby...and to remember that most women don't have a labor like this. She told me that I could do it naturally and she would be by my side encouraging me the whole time. But she reminded me that my contractions were on top of each other so it might be a wise decision to get the epidural so I didn't become too exhausted when it came time to push, which could lead to an unwanted c-section.  She left the bathroom to go get Martin so we could have some alone time to think it over.  The moment Martin sat by my side I burst into tears again.  He tried to calm me down and talk me through my decision. A few minutes later we decided that an epidural would be best.   

Birth Story {Part III}

Birth Story {Part I}

Our baby girl's due date: Thursday, July 12th...our three year wedding anniversary.  It came and went. I had been having contractions on and off again, but nothing significant.  The weekend came and Sunday night I experienced real contractions.  The kind that take your breath away, the kind that come in a rhythm. Martin and I were excited..we knew this meant progress. But by morning the contractions had slowed way down and their intensity had gone away.

 We headed into the work week. I promised Martin I would call him at work the moment my contractions started up again.  This time it was Tuesday night.  And this time my contractions were even stronger and even closer together.  We began to get excited again.  We kept thinking to ourselves that maybe by morning we would have our little girl.  As the night progressed we decided to get some rest incase we would be heading into a long labor. I laid down and closed my eyes only to wake up hours later to the birds chirping and no contractions. 

 I was beginning to feel frustrated.  Why was my body not wanting to go into active labor...and why was I only getting contractions at night? I felt like my body was going into its primal state, only laboring in the safety and cover of darkness and as soon as the sun began to rise it stopped. I talked everyday with our doula, Faith. She kept giving me the pep talks I needed and reassured me over and over that these contractions weren't false labor.  Every contraction I had was one more I could check off and each one was helping my body prepare.  It was just taking its time and maybe that would mean that when I did go into active labor it would move quickly.   

On Wednesday morning, July 18, Martin and I headed to my 41 week appointment. I had been hoping the whole week that I wouldn't have to go, but our baby girl was still comfortable inside of me.  We completed the fluid level check and stress test and all of our results came back great.  They would let me continue to progress on my own and I would be checked again on Monday to make sure things were still safe for the baby.  

The rest of the week was more of the same.  Each night around dinner time my contractions would start and last until the early morning hours. We were becoming exhausted from the very little sleep we were getting. During the day I would try every trick to try to get my contractions to intensify, but nothing seemed to be working. 

A new weekend quickly approached. Saturday brought with it a new bought of contractions around dinner time.  But these were different.  These were even more powerful.  By midnight my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart.  We called Faith and she came right over.  I crawled into bed and buried my face into my pillow with each contraction that came. I had never felt such intense pain. Each contraction swept over my entire body and the couple minutes that they lasted felt incredibly long.  Faith showed me how to breathe and use my voice to get through each contraction, telling me when the peak was over and when I could relax again. Martin held my hand and stroked my hair while Faith rubbed my feet.  As the sun began to rise I was relieved that my contractions had not gone away! 

Around breakfast time our backup Doula, Mary, came to relieve Faith for a while. We continued to labor, but soon my contractions slowed way down again. I was exahusted, sad, and emotional. I took a long hot shower, Martin and I took a long nap, went for a long walk, and realized that that particular day was not going to be our baby's birthday. 

Monday morning, July 23, I prepared to go in for my second round of tests and for my 42 week midwife appointment.  I met the new midwife, Leigh, and she joked that hopefully I would have my baby tomorrow so she would be there to deliver it.  We scheduled my induction for July 25th. I felt my eyes well up with tears and prayed that I would have this baby before then. As I waited for my older sister to meet me for the stress test and fluid level test I began to feel my contractions beginning...again.  I didn't get my hopes up as I walked into the ultrasound room and got strapped to the monitors. 

The ultrasound tech was very quiet as she moved the device around on my belly.  "Hmmm," she finally said. "Well, I'm just not seeing any pockets of fluid in here."  I knew that meant that my placenta was beginning to calcify and wouldn't be providing the support my baby needed.

My heart began to beat faster and a lump began to form in my throat. My sister came over to hold my hand tightly. She asked the technician all the questions I would have if my mind hadn't been racing.  She assured me my baby was still safe and had a good strong heartbeat.  She went to show the results to my midwife and came back to tell me that I was going to have my baby today and that I needed to head upstairs right away to the labor and delivery floor to talk about induction.

Birth Story{Part II}

Birth Story {Part III}

Notice

Hi friends! I'm still here.

I know I will share more about this week when I write about my little girl's birth story, but this has been a very tiring week.  I seem to be having a very unique labor where I am laboring in shifts.  I was in labor from 1am until about 9am this morning with very very strong and regular contractions.  And then they spread themselves out. This has been our life for the past four days...almost five days now. We figure at this rate our baby will have all her teeth and probably be a teenager by the time she comes out :) My doula tells me that this type of labor, although rare, can be nice because it's allowing me lots of rest in between lots of work. 

We had an appointment on Wednesday and everything is still looking great and healthy.  My body is making progress, just on it's own time...sounds like Jessica time to me.  I'm the same way in life, I need days to prepare for life changing events and maybe my mind knows this and is helping me ease into labor so I don't panic. 

Whatever the reason, Martin and I (and our family and friends) are more ready than ever to meet our daughter. 

Maybe tonight is the night...

A Little Baby Wall

Today we (and by we I mean my lovely husband) hung up the last of the decorations for the baby. I like how the little wall with the changing table turned out...it's bright and cheerful.  I can only imagine what I could have done with an entire room or a can of paint! Oh well, our checking account is thanking us I'm sure :) Wilson and Margo are going to have to find a new place to sleep here very soon...the minute we brought home the changing table they thought we had bought them a luxury padded bed and I haven't had the heart to tell them it isn't really for cats, but for their new sister. 

The prints on the wall are by Katie Daisy.  I love the color combinations of yellows, blues, and corals and I love how both of these quotes make me smile every time I read them. My mom found the beautiful white frame for me while antiquing and it has the perfect amount of whimsy to it. 

We picked up the fabric chicks and heart hangers from World Market.  They are so vibrant and I love that they are handmade so each one is different. I hope our little girl will feel happy in her new surroundings. 

Morning Rain

Morning rain storms are so rare here in Colorado. 

But they make me feel so happy when they do make their appearance.  What a refreshing way to start the day.

Our apartment is a little damp from having the windows wide open, but I don't care because having the smell of fresh rain fill your lungs is worth it. 

 The past few days have really cooled off and my swelling has gone down so much.  My feet look so small now...I don't know if they can hold up this big belly for much longer. 

I'm 3 days away from my due date and I have a feeling she might come a little sooner than that.  We've been telling our little girl over and over that it would be best if she waited to come when the heat had died down...it would be nice if she listened :)  

Waiting for Everdeen

Happy 4th of July!

Today we slept in late, enjoying the fact that it was a holiday and neither of us had to work. It's been so hot that we barely sleep through the night anymore, so it felt nice to finally catch up on some sleep. 

  We were invited to attend Martin's work BBQ at the retirement community so we headed over around lunch time to get our hotdogs and enjoy some of the festivities.  This is the first 4th of July that I haven't spent at home with my parents (remember last year's very memorable 4th?)...it was a little bittersweet seeing I missed out on one of my favorite family traditions of a big slice of homemade cherry pie. But Martin and I made the best of it meandering in and out of the elderly and excited grandchildren, finding our own quiet piece of shade to enjoy our lunch in.  A few women gave me the "Oh, you poor thing!" speech while gazing wide eyed at my belly.  I overheard one women say, "That poor girl looks so miserable..." Ummm, thanks?  

Everyday I wonder if today is the day our baby girl will join us. I've been having quite a few contractions, some are pretty painful, but so far it's just my body revving up for it's big moment. Hopefully soon. I'm not sure how much bigger I can get...yet everyday my body surprises me and I seem to grow even more. 

I know these last few days of just us are so precious, so I'm trying to keep my mind occupied with little projects and enjoy the quiet while it lasts :)

I hope everyone is having a fun 4th of July! 

38 w e e k s

While Colorado is in the midst of a record breaking heat wave and hundreds of thousands of acres are being burned across our state, my very pregnant belly and I have been lying low trying to keep cool and my swollen feet under control.  Each afternoon as the clouds roll in we pray for rain that will help ease the heat and fires, but the lightning is causing more forest fires than the firefighters can keep up with. It's been a sad and devastating couple of weeks here.

 We just heard on the news the other day that this is the worst time for babies to be born in Colorado because of the poor air quality.  Someday we'll tell our baby girl all about how she was born the summer of the fires. I want to be somewhere refreshing and cool...feeling the ocean spray on my face.  While we're suffering from a lack of rain, my sister in Florida hasn't seen the sun in a week and could probably float to work...  

I've been spending the hot days napping and simply thinking...and wondering if each little twinge I feel is going to lead to labor soon. I still don't know if I have my mind completely ready for what I am about to do, and maybe I really can't until labor has started.  Martin and I have been planning and preparing for a natural child birth and my greatest fear right now is that something out of our control will prevent us from having that experience. I've been trying to put my energy and fears into things I can control like practicing all of my optimal fetal positions that our doula has taught us, reading positive birth stories, and talking to our sweet baby about when she'd like to come out and meet us. 

I am so so thankful that we have made it to 38 weeks. I am so thankful that we have a healthy baby growing stronger and stronger every day and that I have this time off to enjoy my last few weeks of pregnancy. 

Okay baby girl, whenever you're ready, we're ready to meet you :)

A Water Date and 9 months

Our sweet baby girl will be here before we know it. She really could come at any time now, but she can stay with me for a few more weeks if she wants to :) Martin and I have been enjoying so much more time together now that he has a new job with much, much better hours. I feel very spoiled getting to see my husband during daylight hours and soon his little girl will be spoiled getting to spend time with her daddy too.  

Martin and I enjoyed a little date to the aquarium on his day off this week. I'm not sure if my swollen feet appreciated all the walking, but it was nice to get out of the house and away from the 100 degree heat for an hour or so.  We meandered in and out of wild, screaming children and both gave each other that silent look of, "Our child will never act like that" and then quickly realized that our lives are about to resemble those around us faster than we think. (...but seriously, our child will still never act like that ;)

I'm so grateful that during this last part of my pregnancy Martin has been able to be home more.  He has been so supportive, reading and researching how to be the best birth partner for me, giving me foot massages nightly, and saying sweet words when I start crying because I feel out of sorts in this body of mine.

We finished our natural birth classes this past weekend and I don't know if I would be able to do all of this without him.  I know he will be incredible during my labor and delivery and every time I think of him holding his daughter for the first time my heart swells with happiness. 

Baby Shower

Summer has felt so far away since I found out I was pregnant...we were surrounded by pumpkins, fall leaves, and the anticipation of Christmas. Summer would be the time when we would meet our sweet baby and now we are exactly one month away from our due date.  Martin and I have been using the past few weeks to prepare and finish up last minute details, but one of the biggest events that I was looking forward to the most was my baby shower! My good friend Marlena along with my sisters and mom put together a beautiful afternoon full of pretty pink things with my close family and friends! 

One of my favorite gifts is my Blessing Bracelet. Each guest wrote out a blessing for me and the baby.  As they read their card out loud we strung a bead on a string to turn into a bracelet.  I'm to wear my bracelet until labor is over and use it as a focus...remembering all those women in my life who are standing behind me and supporting me as I begin this new journey of motherhood.