{39/52}

"a portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014."

Everdeen Kate: I came in to check on you while you were napping and found a very serious reader instead.  

 Linking up with Jodi :)

Bye Bye Bapi Power

When somebody loved me everything was beautiful

Every hour spent together lives within my heart

When she loved me...

I feel like maybe Everdeen's paci is thinking these words this week...and I know that makes me a big weirdo.  But sometimes I feel like inanimate objects have feelings too.  Like I never like to leave one last chip or cracker in the bag, it should always have a friend to go to the dump with incase it gets scared or lonely... 

We've been talking to Everdeen for a few weeks now about how she's a big girl and doesn't need her pacifier anymore.  Everdeen has only used it when she was sleeping, but this past month was really hard and full of tantrums.  The moment she would get home from school she headed upstairs searching for the thing she knew she couldn't have. And I mean big crocodile tears, arms hanging from the rails of her crib.  Mama please! Help me! I NEED MY BAPI POWER! Such heartbreak over a tiny piece of plastic. 

Martin and I decided it was probably time to seriously get rid of the paci...although I'm pretty sure we've been saying that since she was 6 months old ;) 

But then suddenly on Monday night as we were going through our nighttime ritual she said, "Mama I'm a big girl! Bye bye bapi power!"

And that was that.  

It's funny that I feel more sad than Everdeen does. I think whenever we reach a milestone that loudly shouts in my face that I no longer have a baby it really becomes hard for me to move on. Where is my teeny tiny baby? I remember when her paci was almost as big as her face :)

Sigh...it's official.  I am the mother of a big girl. 

peace

Ahhh Everdeen is napping...the house is clean and somehow I got through my list of things to do.  This peace is divine.

oh wait...I can hear a little voice singing in the other room...haha well it was nice while it lasted ;)

A Little Catch Up {A Portrait A Week}

Week 31

Week 34

Week 35

Week 36

Week 37

Week 38

I've been behind on my portrait a week project...I even went two weeks without taking a single picture, which is unheard of in this household! :) I think with such a busy season upon me, I will be forever grateful that I have these portraits and the memories and little moments that go with each one. This project literally makes me stop and smell the roses with my sweet girl. 

Today is full of laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, and taking care of my sick little one. Another cold...not the first and definitely not the last this season.  She's extra clingy today, of course when I have a million things to do. 

These past few weeks have been good, but there have been moments where that drowning feeling sneaks up on me and I almost become frozen.  When I have a list two pages long of things not only to do for work, but at home too, I sometimes end up not doing any of it. It's funny how that works. And then of course I become more overwhelmed. 

Oddly enough I didn't feel this crazy when I switched districts, schools, and grade levels last year. Maybe it's because going from Kinder to First isn't as big of an adjustment. Maybe I was still in shock of realizing we finally got to move home. I try to get to school by 7:15 and I usually work until 5:30.  I've spent almost every weekend working in my classroom taking Everdeen with me. She's a superstar and usually doesn't have any trouble staying occupied. She likes rearranging the insides of kid's desks the best...moving this kid's eraser into this kid's desk and adding books from my library into another desk.  It's always funny on Monday morning when the kids walk in looking confused...why are there six copies of Charlotte's Web in my desk? haha

And just when I think I have things under control for school I realize I haven't cleaned the bathtub in two weeks or I forgot to buy diapers for Everdeen's daycare and they've sent a note home three times.  

When I'm teaching it's where I want to be.  I love my job and I strive everyday to be better, to make my classroom somewhere where my students want to be. A place where we laugh and become a family. But lately I've felt that pressure in my chest right before a huge ugly cry. Pardon moi, but how the hell am I supposed to do all of this!

I know there's no simple answer and I know it's about finding a balance...but that is so much easier said than done. I know it's about being grateful that I have these problems and that these problems really aren't the end of the world.  Even when they feel like it. 

...just writing out my thoughts helps take the pressure off a little bit. I think I can now go tackle the laundry before I take a much deserved nap. 

I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils

This morning something in the air had changed. I went downstairs to open the curtains and let in the cold dark air.  It took me back to one of those ordinary fall mornings when I was little, except it's not ordinary. There's something magical about the changing of the seasons.  A hint of dampness...fresh and crisp.

I've survived my first two weeks back to school. I'm loving teaching fourth grade again, but like with anything new I'm trying to keep my head above the water while I figure it all out.  I've been breathing, thinking and dreaming school everyday. It's always an adjustment for my husband and for me. Any spouse of a teacher knows that the first month of school overtakes just about every aspect of life. But soon things will calm down again and there will be a normal rhythm to life. I leave most mornings while my family is still peacefully sleeping and my heart always aches a little when I have to say goodbye to Everdeen. 

We still always have dinner together as a family and still love to go on our evening walks. We ask Everdeen about her days at her little school. "Everdeen has own school, mama has own school!" She says every time I pick her up. I can't believe how much her language has developed in the past few weeks.  I love listening to her try to sing the ABC song or Wheels on the Bus.  

Life is good.  It seems like the seasons change just as we begin to long for a freshness and the start of something new. It's nice how it works that way :)