right now

This little girl has been fighting off a fierce cold this weekend. Maybe the universe knew I needed to slow down for a few days after ending the school year.  I selfishly thought the first few days of summer vacation would be about sleeping in and reading my new book in the sun...haha! Instead, we've had three sleepless nights, stripping beds (twice) in the middle of the night, and lots and lots of crying...but as I'm realizing, more and more since becoming a mother, my plans aren't always what are best for right now. I'm learning to slow down, watch, and listen to my surroundings. Learning to tune in to what those around me really need can be so so challenging, but it can also be the one thing that makes everything seem to fall into place.  It can be hard not to force my expectations on the day. I know in a day or two we will begin our days of playing outside until our feet are covered in dirt or the sun begins to set, but for now I'll take these extra snuggles, take a deep breath, and enjoy right now. 

to my daughter on mother's day

My Sweet Everdeen,
We were writing Mother's Day cards in my fourth grade class and I had a few students who were struggling with what to write.  I walked over to them and said, "Your mother gave you life! She brought you into this world. That in itself is worthy of honoring your mom every day for the rest of your life."  They looked at me strangely because that's what fourth grade boys do :)  

I began thinking about how momentous it is to be a mother.  It is not just something that happens overnight.  We are transformed into a new being the moment that little heart begins to beat within us. We are given this glorious gift of motherhood from these tiny souls that will always be a part of us and us a part of them.   You have always been with me...and as strange as it seems, I feel like we are two old souls who have found each other.   We have always been meant to be together and you were the one who was specifically chosen to make me a mama.  And for that, I am eternally grateful. 

I was talking to your Auntie Kate the other night about some serious soul searching I have been doing.  She reminded me of who I have become since becoming a mother...how much stronger I am. My sweet girl, you have given me this gift of wanting to be better everyday, for myself, for you, for our family.   

I know I tell you a million times a day that I love you, but that's just because the love I have for you is so incredibly powerful and I can't help but share it with you every moment of every day.   Thank you for making me a mama, thank you for loving and laughing and making me feel like I have this mothering thing down, even when I don't. Thank you for making me realize that you are part of my purpose here on this earth. 

You are my everything
Love,
Mama

And to my own mom, thank you for giving me life and for bringing me into this world. :) I am honored to be a part of you and I am so incredibly grateful everyday for your unconditional love and support.   I love you so much

little valentines

I left school yesterday as soon as the bell rang so Everdeen and I could spend the afternoon preparing her little Valentines for her friends at daycare. She peeled, I chopped, and we put the colorful pieces of crayons into a silicone tray.  I popped them into the oven at 230 degrees for about 20 minutes and Voila! The perfect little Valentine gift for her two year old friends.  I was pretty much feeling like mom of the year as I cut and wrote out the messages on each of the cards.  Then when I went to pick up Everdeen from school today I noticed that all of the kids' Valentine bags were filled to the brim...um wait what!?  Yeah I was that parent. I've been on the other end of this moment so many times...kids with a panicked look in their eyes. "Mrs. Wolfe! I forgot my Valentines!" 

I sheepishly asked her teachers if I could still bring her Valentine's tomorrow and they sympathetically looked at me and said, "Of course! Another parent forgot too!"  Good, at least I'm not the only one. Sigh...someday I'll get this motherhood thing down. 

Can we talk about the 'terrible twos'?

When Everdeen was a wee baby, 6:30 became the most dreaded hour of the day...our witching hour. She would cry and cry and we could never figure out why.  We would bounce until our rear ends were numb on the exercise ball,  put on white noise, and follow every step in the Happiest Baby on the Block book.  Some nights we had relief, but others were long and exhausting.   Besides those few months at the beginning, Everdeen has been the happiest, calmest, most easy going baby.  We have been blessed to say the least.  We even naively thought we had missed the "terrible twos".  Here she was at 2 1/2 and we had yet to see that infamous toddler behavior.  Sure we've had some moments that have not been so fun, but overall it's been pretty easy sailing.

But oh, these past few weeks...we have a new witching hour.  The moment Everdeen gets home from daycare she exerts her independence and new found vocabulary she undoubtedly is trying out on her classmates.  "Mama, you stop it! That not okay! Walk away!" Reeeaaal nice.  

But our biggest challenge has been bedtime.  Our once sweet, calm, and easy bedtime has changed drastically.  To say our little one loves to hear stories is the biggest understatement of the universe. Everdeen could listen to stories for hours and trust me she has.  We read from chapter books and read her favorite picture books over and over again.  And the moment we close the book the screaming and flailing begins.  It's hard to watch such a tiny human be so upset over, what seems to us to be small mundane things.  She is learning this world, learning boundaries and expectations and it's hard for little ones to grasp sometimes.  I know our consistency  will pay off and that the time and energy we are putting in now will make future parenting much easier.  At least until middle school ;) I can see how these toddler years are a pivotal turning point...giving in because of pure exhaustion seems like a brilliant idea when bedtime is taking two hours, but Martin and I take a deep breath and continue on. 

We've seen small glimmers of hope that things will return back to the way they were soon.  After the "Daddy go away" we'll hear "Ooooh! You made that dinner for me? Ooooh thank you Daddy!"  Or Everdeen will say as we walk upstairs to bed, "I'm not going to throw a fit tonight, Mama."  We definitely have our days filled with melt your heart moments too, but during a screaming fit it can be hard to remember sometimes.  

Often times I feel like the terrible twos are a taboo subject...no one talks about tantrums and screaming because who wants their child to be categorized as 'terrible'? Maybe we shouldn't look at this stage of life as terrible, but as a prime opportunity to teach and guide our children.  We should look at this time as a chance to really nurture and love on our little ones when they need it the most, as they are learning right from wrong.  Maybe us mamas should share more of the not so picture perfect moments so that we can feel relieved, even normal that it's not just our toddler throwing a tantrum over the color of cup they are drinking their milk from...because obviously the pink cup makes the milk taste much better.

Any words of wisdom or advice from those of you have survived this stage or are going through this same thing now would be much appreciated :)

Life Lately

My Christmas tree is sparkling and the candles in the windows are glowing.  Last night, Everdeen asked if we could keep her little tree lit as she fell asleep.  I remembered falling asleep when I was little with the Christmas candles in my window casting a warm glow across my room.  I would sneak into my twin sister's bed and we would stare at the lights on the houses across the street. I always felt so safe and cozy and it felt exactly the same in her room last night. I had to sneak in after she had fallen asleep to unplug her tree, but before I did, I re-tucked her in under her new quilt from Nana and kissed her goodnight. We took down her crib a couple of weeks ago (which was a bit of a heart wrenching moment for my mama heart...because of course she would have slept in her crib until college if I'd had my say) But she is much warmer snuggled under her flannel sheets and favorite blankets.

These past few weeks have stretched us with our little tots tantrums(I'm so sorry you can't play with the needle nosed pliers...) yet at the same time she has overwhelmingly filled our hearts with joy. Today, as I carried Everdeen down the stairs she stroked my hair, gave it a kiss, and told me, "Mama, I want you forever." It's amazing to watch this little person with independent thoughts and wants...sometimes very independent thoughts and wants. It still amazes me daily that I am the mother of a two year old. A two year old who is sweet, loving, and fills our home with joyful giggles. 

I am so excited to create a magical Christmas season for Everdeen this year. She's been asking "What you doing Mama?" as I prepare our home for the holiday. I love telling her about our traditions and watching her eyes sparkle as she's now old enough to understand. I still vividly remember rocking her to sleep when she was about five months old. The Christmas tree filled our tiny one bedroom apartment with its soft and familiar glow and I sang Silent Night over and over until her breathing was steady. I knew she couldn't comprehend what Christmas was all about, but I knew she could feel the magic.  

My Story {In Honor Of World Breastfeeding Week}

It's been a little less than two years and I still have twinges of guilt that flood me. You see, my breastfeeding experience wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I felt defeated at the end -like I had failed at the most important thing...feeding my new daughter.  How can something so natural be so hard? There are so many stories out there from other moms, but maybe my story will help someone else out there know that they don't have to be alone when struggling with breastfeeding. 

*  *  *

When Everdeen was born she was immediately taken away to be suctioned. They had found meconium and thought it might be in her lungs. When they finally placed her little body on mine I felt such a sense of relief...but I had hoped that I would have been the first one to hold her. 

My doula stayed with me and helped Everdeen latch on right away. But the moment she started nursing I felt an excruciating pain. I knew breastfeeding might be uncomfortable, but this pain was too much to bear. I remember the nurses kept asking me what my pain level was while breastfeeding. I'm not one to usually complain to strangers, but I remember saying it was beyond a 10. My doula worked with me the entire time I was in the hospital trying to problem solve. Everdeen's latch was good...although there was thought that maybe the suctioning had caused her some trauma and had her wanting to clamp down when nursing. I worked with the hospital's lactation specialist and by the end of our time together she had diagnosed me with Raynaud's Phenomenon.  She prescribed me a medication called Nifidipine, usually used to treat high blood pressure. I was feeling overwhelmed as a new mother and on top of everything else breastfeeding was becoming more difficult than I had ever thought it would be. However, I left the hospital feeling hopeful that I could overcome the pain and have a successful breastfeeding experience with Everdeen.

A few days into our new adventure and I felt like I was beginning to get the hang of everything.  My doula came over several times to make sure Everdeen's latch was successful and to make sure things were going smoothly.  She suggested I use a heating pad before I nursed to help open the blood vessels, which would ease the pain. I had begun taking my new medication and thought I was seeing improvements. But a few days later I experienced sever dizziness that left me crawling on my hands and knees praying I wouldn't pass out with my newborn baby in my arms. I stopped taking the medication right away and told myself I would just bear through the pain...I mean maybe it would get better with time? 

It didn't. I remember my mom and older sister would stop by after work and check in on me those first few weeks. Everdeen would be crying and ready to eat, but I was beginning to resent feeding her. I cried almost every time she latched on. It was like forcing myself to keep touching the hot burner on the stove every two hours. I just couldn't do it anymore. My older sister, who was still nursing my 8 month old nephew, took Everdeen and fed her for me. She didn't feel any pain from her latch so I knew it really must be me. They gently suggested I try to feed Everdeen some formula...just to give myself a rest...I burst into tears (for the 40 millionth time). I didn't want to have to supplement. I wanted my baby to have my milk. My doula suggested that maybe I consider solely pumping and bottle feeding my breast milk. I liked that idea.

The next day I went out and bought myself a pump. I learned how to power pump to get my milk supply up and began pumping every two hours. Strangely enough, pumping didn't hurt nearly as bad as nursing. But it was time consuming and exhausting. I felt guilty leaving Everdeen in the baby swing while I sat at the kitchen table listening to the droning sound of the pump...a sound that had become all too familiar very quickly. The worst was when I pumped after Everdeen's 1am feeding. I could barely keep my eyes open, but knew if I skipped the session my milk supply would begin to decrease. 

A few weeks later I did notice that my milk supply was decreasing and the power pumping I did didn't seem to be working anymore. My start back to work was looming in the very near future and I feared that I wouldn't be able to keep up my supply once I started back. I began to start supplementing Everdeen's bottles with formula when I went back to work in the fall. I tried to pump at school, but it was just too difficult.  It only took a few weeks before I was barely able produce milk anymore. 

The decision to stop pumping and to move to just formula was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make. I think from an outsiders perspective it seemed like the obvious choice...but my mommy guilt was crushing and I felt like I had given up. Everdeen had gotten my milk for three months, which is wonderful! But I couldn't see that. I remember feeling mad and jealous at those around me who seemed to have no problems nursing. I felt hurt by anything I read that suggested formula fed babies were inferior to breastfed babies. But secretly deep down I also felt a sense of relief. I didn't have to spend hours pumping now and I could truly enjoy feeding my sweet girl for the first time. There were no more tears, just songs sung while I rocked my little one while she ate. Martin was really able to start bonding with Everdeen while feeding her too, which wasn't something he hadn't been able to do before.

When I look back at my story it's just that...mine. No one else's will be quite the same, but maybe my words can give a little reassurance to someone experiencing something similar. Whether you breastfeed, pump, or formula feed, one thing is still the same.  We are all mothers and we can only do the best we can do at that time. And most importantly, we have to accept that each of our stories will be different, not better or worse.

to my sweet girl on her second birthday

To my sweet Everdeen on her second birthday,

Before I had you, I didn't know that such a tiny person could teach me to be a better person everyday. Sometimes as adults we act as, well, adults.  We lose our sense of wonder and our free spirit. I look around me at other parents of young children...the life drained from them.  But you put life into us...seeing the world through your curious and loving heart makes me excited to wake up every morning. You are the most tender of souls, so full of life and happiness.  Your unsolicited hugs and kisses, the way you bring the cats their bowl of food so they can have a snack while you eat yours, the way you move to music, the way you make everyone around you feel special makes our hearts ache from so much sweetness. You have no inhibitions, no callouses...all you know is to love.  

I watch you in amazement everyday and still can't comprehend that you are a part of me. It is the most incredible feeling to watch someone grow in front of you...watch them become the person you pray for them to be.  You are a part of me and I am a part of you. What an incredible bond we share.  

You are our everything and your daddy and I love you more than anything in this world. How lucky and blessed we are to experience this life with you. 

Happy Birthday my sweet sweet girl! Love you love you love you

Love,

Mama

I will hold you till my arm falls asleep

My little Everdeen turns two a month from tomorrow.

She is no longer a baby.  She is a sweet little soul that loves on you and needs you just as much as you need her. Her latest saying is, "I need my mama" with which I reply, "I need my Everdeen." Because it's true, we need her and she needs us.   

She waves to the cars passing in the parking lot like they're old friends and says thank you to the cashier at the grocery store. She asks for hugs and gives you kisses when you least expect it. But lately, she has been the most clingiest she's ever been.  I feel like I hold her all day long.  I lower her to the ground so I can maybe put the dishes in the dishwasher, but her little legs wrap around my waist with such strength and a "No! Not right now" is yelled very clearly.   I always try to stick to the books when it comes to routine and structure...but sometimes you can feel when change is about to happen. When I can tell Everdeen needs a little more of something I let it all go and follow her lead.  I figure she'll go back to our normal when she's ready.  

We've had a few long nights since I got off of school.  I brought her into bed with us and instead of falling right to sleep in the middle she crawled into my arms and wouldn't let me put her down. I couldn't remember the last time she had fallen asleep on my chest...it was almost like we both needed this.  With her two year birthday approaching fast maybe it was a much needed reminder of how life used to be not that long ago.   My arm began to fall asleep, but I kept holding her, because that's what us mamas do for our little ones.  

5 1/2 days (but who's counting?)

5 1/2 days until I get to spend 10 summer filled weeks with my sweet girl! Eeek! I'm so excited I can barely stand it! 

pink blossoms

We took Everdeen for a walk this evening to search for some pink flowering trees.  Standing under branches filled with fragrant, perfectly pink blossoms is divine. Secretly though, I wanted an excuse to hold my almost two year old close to me for a little while longer.  I keep thinking that one of these days it will be the last time she's in my sling and I won't have known it was our last time...

These days leading up to summer make me feel nostalgic and put an ache inside of me that I can only understand now that I'm a mother.  Watching your little one grow is filled with such bittersweet emotion. I long for time to stop so I can hold those chubby little cheeks in my hands for just a while longer...sometimes I get lost in trying to hold onto moments that cannot be held.

The wind, that won't seem to go, caused the delicate little petals to rain around us as we walked along the ditch lined with trees. Everdeen patted my back, as she always does.  I can't wait for more evenings like this...no work tomorrow, my little tot nestled close to me and my husband, and a sweet flowery breeze blowing the curtains.   

Our One and Only Everdeen You

Yesterday was liberating. 

You see, we were at a party and as Everdeen rambunctiously toddled around me someone happily asked when I would be having my next baby. This question comes a lot after you've had your first baby...heck even when I was pregnant with my first baby people wanted to know when her siblings would be joining her. I smiled and said bravely, "We're just having one."  I braced myself for the backlash. But it didn't come.  They were understanding and didn't poke and prod any further.  

I can't tell you how good it felt to be honest. Because for the past two years I have almost always told people what they wanted to hear, afraid of the pressures from society and the expectations from those around me.  Everyone assumes you'll have more children and no one assumes you're more than happy with just one. It sounds so silly when I write it out...this is my life and I'm living it the way I want to live it, not the way others want me to live it.  But the lines get blurred sometimes, don't they?

When Martin and I talked about having a family we always knew we wanted one child.  We've spent hours and hours talking about the pros and cons to both...we still do because believe me our decision wasn't made lightly.  We don't have religious or political views about the number of children to have and we love love love when our family and friends tell us they're having more children! But this idea of three made sense to us and after we had Everdeen life felt so complete. 

I remember when I was eight months pregnant and Martin and I were asked by an older gentleman how many children we were going to have.  Martin told him that we were just having one.  He replied with, "How can you do that to your child?!"  So you can see why I've been hesitant to tell people since then.  It's strange the responses you'll get.  Often times I think people see it as a selfish move...we must want more time for ourselves or our careers (which couldn't be more far from the truth).  And I know some people will begin to think that maybe we're not able to have more children and it will become a hush hush topic around us. But I guess that's not for me to worry about. 

What I will think about everyday though, is how I can give my only daughter a beautiful life full of rich experiences that will teach her to be the best version of herself. Because when it comes down to it, whether you have 1 or 20 children, our job as mothers is the same...to love those children until your heart literally explodes with happiness :)

sick & tired & tired of being sick

Oh winter, we are so tired of you.

We are tired of your single digit days that keep us locked up inside. I wish we could open up the windows and let in some new, clean, fresh air, but we would no doubt get hypothermia. 

We are all still fighting these terrible colds. Everdeen has been sick since Christmas with different ailments.  My poor little girl refuses and I mean REFUSES to eat when she doesn't feel well.   She hadn't gained weight at her eighteen month appointment...which made me feel like a had completely failed as a mother.  I remember when she was first born and how proud my doula and midwife were of me when Everdeen was gaining weight like a champ.  "Good job mama!" they would say over and over.   I was creating nourishment for my baby and she was growing and growing because of me.  I don't think I've ever felt more proud! 

But now I am feeling totally lost.  This toddler thing is hard.  Trying to grow and nourish a 1 1/2 year old who is wanting so badly to be independent and do things her way is a struggle. Over a month of "Is she going to eat today?" "Is she feeling better?" is exhausting.  

We just need a couple of warmish days where we can soak up some sun and clear out our lungs.  To say I am jealous of my twin sister living in Florida is a complete understatement.

I feel bad wishing away winter...and I can't remember a time when I disliked it so much. But I am more ready for spring to arrive then I ever have been before.     

this is me at 29

I turned 29 on Saturday :)  My last year of being a twenty-something. It a makes one feel a little nostalgic or leaving you wondering if you're going to accomplish everything you were supposed to before turing 30.

As I got ready for our staff holiday party last weekend I studied myself in the mirror.  

This is me. 

This is me at 29.  

I don't think I feel 29. What is 29 supposed to feel like anyways?  Do I even look 29? My body has changed so much since having Everdeen...everything seems to be much, well, softer. I look tired from our resent bought of sleepless nights and my hair desperately needs to be cut and styled.  

I hear little feet toddling down the hallway. Everdeen runs into the bathroom giggling and chasing the cat. I plop her up onto the counter and she rummages through my cosmetics bag watching me apply my makeup and do my hair.  She taps the counter with my mascara like it's a drum stick and squeals "no!" when I try to clip one of her bows in her hair. I slip on my new dress I found at the consignment store and twirl around for Everdeen. She laughs and signs for more.  I simply can not get enough of my little girl!  

I pick her up and we stand in front of the mirror together.  She lays her little head on my shoulder and I look again at myself.  Oh! This is who I'm supposed to be at 29 :)

a little toddler room

If you've been following along with me for a while you know that we had been apartment dwellers for almost 9 years and have recently moved out of a tiny one bedroom apartment into our first home! Yay!  To say that we are enjoying our new home is an understatement :) I've been so excited to finally be able to share snippets of our new space.   

The one room that is complete, is Everdeen's room.  When I was pregnant I ached to be able to create a special space for her.  We crammed her crib and changing table into our bedroom and I hung a few pieces of my favorite art work up that I hoped would one day grace her nursery walls, but it really just wasn't the same.   I know that having a fancy nursery is not important and I loved every single moment that our sweet girl spent in our room with us.   In fact, even if she had had her own room, I'm pretty sure she would have co-slept with us for her first year anyways.  

When we moved this summer I began to wonder how we would both adjust to our new sleeping arrangements.  Our first night in our new home brought on a slew of emotions. We laid Everdeen down and tiptoed out of her room.  I remember standing at her door trying to fight the urge to drag her crib into our room.  That night our room was extra quiet and empty feeling.  I could no longer hear the constant and slow breathing coming from across the room.   I remember getting up several times to check on Everdeen those first few nights.  Making sure she was okay in her new little room.  I'm sure every mama gets up once in a while, just to check and listen for those reassuring baby sounds.  

* * *

I wanted Everdeen's room to be peaceful, happy, and bright.   Here's what we started with...yucky ugly blue carpet and beige walls.  We replaced the carpeting throughout the house and had everything painted a crisp, bright white.

And Voila! I think it is now the perfect place for our little girl :)

A few of the accessories

Foot Stool

Curtains

Flower Crown Print

What a Wonderful World Print

Live in the Sunshine Print

Elephant Print

Butterflies

la la lu

If you've been reading along with me for a while you may have picked up on the fact that we love music in our home! :) Music has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and has been the reason for and a part of many life changing events in my family's lives. If I had never played the violin, I never would have met my husband in the high school orchestra.  My twin sister met her husband while playing the piano in her college dorm. 

So you see, we believe in the power of music :)

Since the moment Everdeen was a tiny speck inside me, she has been exposed to music.  She would hear my singing and piano playing all day long in my Kindergarten class, hear her daddy playing his favorite Dylan songs on the guitar, and the obligatory prenatal Mozart blasting through the headphones stretched across my belly. 

When I was pregnant, I came across the song La la Lu that Darling sings in Lady and the Tramp. I have always thought that was such a beautiful lullaby and knew I wanted to sing it to my little girl. I would sing the lullaby any chance I got...on my way to work or in the shower...any time when it was just me and her.  On the night Everdeen was born, I remember holding my new, tiny, pink baby awkwardly in my arms...so carefully, like she might break. I was feeling overwhelmed being a new mother and had gotten very comfortable with having my baby safely inside of me. I looked over and saw Martin snoozing away on the fold out couch and the nurses had finally left us alone for a while. It was just Everdeen and I. I stroked her wrinkled fingers and held her close to my chest. I quietly began to sing our lullaby, realizing that nothing had really changed.  That the little one who had been in my belly was the same little one who I was finally getting to hold.  We already knew each other.  All she needed to hear was my voice...our song.

We want Everdeen to love music...except maybe the head banging screaming bands ;) I want her to use music to express herself, to help her heal when she feels sad, to help her celebrate, to become a daily soundtrack of her life. 

A couple weeks ago we brought home a piano (very much a dream come true!).  I love watching Everdeen stand on her tiny tip toes and play the keys.  I love coming home from work and releasing all the stress from the day through the music I play. Maybe someday music will take my sweet Everdeen on an incredible journey or allow her to meet someone special. Maybe it will put her in the right place at the right time like it did for me eleven years ago.   

To My Sweet Girl On Her First Birthday

My Dearest Everdeen,

Today you turn a year old. I know it sounds cliche, but where has the time gone? I've been remembering back to your birthday and what an incredible, life changing, day that was.  I became a mother that day...we became our little family of three.  We had waited for you for so long and you were finally in our arms...calm, pink, and as beautiful as can be. 

I can't begin to tell you all of the things I have learned this year.  I know I am a better person because you are here with me and I try each day to be the best mama I can be...although you make it pretty easy!  I would move mountains for you little one and I hope each second of the day you can feel our love for you.

I was trying to picture life before you burst upon us with your little cry and I simply cannot. It's like we've always known you...like you were always a part of me in some form.  This past year I have looked into your amazingly blue eyes and exclaimed that, "You're ours!" "You're really really ours!"  Sometimes I still have to pinch myself. 

You have blessed our lives in unimaginable ways.  I truly have never felt love like this and I think sometimes it overwhelms me how much I love you. 

Now that you are one, you are beginning to resemble a little lady.  Full of personality, wonderment, and sweet kisses.  I am so excited for this next year and all of the amazing adventures we will have together.  

Sweet Everdeen, your daddy and I love you to the moon and back!  Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mama

Climb Every Mountain...

We officially have a climber in our household!  I like to blame all of the packed boxes and our very agile cats that have created this new and profound skill.  Today, I created pillow stairs so Everdeen could independently climb up and down the couch all day long.  She's so brave...always trying new things even if it means her mother has a constant heart attack :)  

It's been almost a year since I started my new role as a mama...and I still have so much to learn. Lately it's been learning how to let Everdeen go and explore so that she can learn about this world all around us. Some days I can let go, but other days...most days, I need my little girl right beside me.  She's much to little to leave the nest and besides I have 18 years until that happens right? :) 

Lately, I've been having the hardest time transitioning Everdeen to eat finger foods. I'm in constant panic that she's going to choke. Life was simple when she only drank milk. Last night I gave her tiny pieces of beef. She took one little piece and made the gaggiest face you ever saw and proceeded to take ten minutes to chew her pea sized bite. It was a face all too familiar one that I had made a million times to my own mother. I found myself wanting to tell her, "It's okay! You don't have to eat that if you don't like it!" But I stopped myself.  That's not what I'm supposed to say to her.  So instead I smiled really big and said "YUMMY!" in an overly loud and happy voice. If she could roll her eyes she probably would have :)    

I want Everdeen to always be brave, to try new things.  I want her to have confidence and believe in herself.  I know that it's my job to help instill these things in her and some days I wonder how to do this when I don't really feel those things.  Maybe it will just have to be something that we learn together.  She's already taught me to be more brave than I ever thought possible...I mean I carried and birthed a baby, I'd say that's pretty brave.