Hello March! {and a little video}

Last week we were so close to some really good changes for our family, but things didn't quite work out the way we were hoping. So for now, or until a new opportunity presents itself, we soak up our one day together and don't take any family time we have for granted. It's hard not to get excited about what could be. We are aching for Martin and I to have similar work schedules. On top of that, Martin's been struggling with some health issues we can't seem to figure out and we know or at least hope that a change will give him a chance to heal. After almost 7 years of not having consistent time together we know it's what's best for us...our marriage and our family. 

I feel like I've been so absent on my blog this year...that always happens when life gets busy or becomes uncertain. It really has been a hard year...with a few moments I'd like to forget. I feel like this has been a year of growth for Martin and I. I know that I am ready for changes too and ready to find my roots again. With that comes finding the 'Brave Jessica' that I know is deep down inside and making changes that are best for me and my family. I need to stop worrying about what others think. The days when we feel closer to our goal are glorious days, but with that also comes days when we couldn't feel further away. The ups and downs are what weigh on me the most. I truly believe we are meant to be where we are for a reason, that every moment and experience is preparing us for something greater. I have to constantly remind myself of this as we push through trying to create the life we want. 

Sundays are still our one family day together and with the tease of warmer weather we knew we wanted to spend our day outside. We headed back to Eagle's Nest where we had gone last Valentine's Day. The sun was warm on our faces and even the blustery wind couldn't dampen our spirits.  The views were breathtaking and the greatness of the landscape always help put things into perspective. The feeling of spring is in the air and with that always comes new beginnings! 

Intently watching the horses ride by

These two are my everything!

Thank you so much to those who are always reading along! It feels good to write again, even if it's not all butterflies and rainbows :) Hope everyone is enjoying a peaceful weekend! 

hello august

I realized that I hardly wrote at all during the month of July, but to be completely honest, I'm glad July is over.  Maybe it was the two full moons in a month or the never ending heat that made July more challenging than I'd like.  I feel like our family has had a lot of growing pains over the past month...which always make me uneasy.  I usually am just fine if things stay the way they are. But I know in life it's inevitable to avoid change and I also know that change makes us grow and stretch which keeps us moving and feeling alive. 

These past few weeks I've felt like I've been up and down emotionally. Part of me doesn't want to admit that I report back to work next week, yet at the same time I'm feeling motivated and ready to start a new year. I've been in and out of my school the past few weeks getting my classroom set up.  I love to go in early when no one else is there...it's completely peaceful and I can get so much accomplished. My mom has been a life saver helping me put up bulletin boards and organizing my thoughts. This week though, I began to feel my anxiety creep up a bit as all of the first of the year information was being sent out...sign up for this class and don't forget this all day training...it's amazing how you can go from literally having nothing to worry about to a whole heck of a lot. I've been working hard all summer on new ideas and preparing myself for the start of the year. Last year was my first year back in fourth grade after teaching primary for five years so there was a new learning curve to accept. This year though, I've got it :) I really can't believe this will be my ninth year teaching.  

But July has been more than just mentally preparing myself for school. The end of July brought my husband a second job. It's one of those situations where the only solution seems to be a less than ideal one. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive. It's been such an adjustment becoming a single parent on the weekends again. We have been pushed and stretched to our breaking points...emotionally, financially, and mentally. But we are surviving and we are learning to make the most of what we have...especially our limited time together as a family. We are learning that sometimes life has to take a little short cut until you can get to where you really want to be. I know someday we'll look back at this time in our lives and see how it made us stronger, how it didn't break us (too much ;), and how we were able to move forward. 

This little one makes everything worth it :)

So, with that I am very much looking forward to August. I'm looking forward to a new season, a fresh start. I'm looking forward to making today better than yesterday...even if that is simply not forgetting the clothes in the washing machine for a week or making Everdeen a sandwich cut out in the shape of a dinosaur. Whatever I can do to make life feel as normal as possible.  And if you made it through my short novel of life, thank you for reading along :)

Okay, August...don't disappoint. 

a day trip to Estes | and a little video

Ahhh summer! The time to be spontaneous and enjoy every moment you can outside! This morning we woke up bright and early (which for me during my summer vacation is epic ;), packed a picnic lunch, and headed west. I really could do without mountain driving, but there is no other way to find yourself lost among the beautiful and wild mountains than to put up with those curvy twisting roads. We drove through the town of Estes Park- it was crowded and full of tourists milling around- so much different from the last time we were there in mid March. So we decided to keep driving until we came to Lily Lake.

The shaded trail kept us nice and cool along the lake and I braved through the swarms of bright blue damselflies...I've never seen so many dancing in the air before.  They really are quite pretty with their turquoise blue bodies. I only lost my cool once when some sort of mayfly lodged itself between my eye and sunglasses...yes you read that right. gross. I immediately thought back to when I was in elementary school and my dad and I would go out to the nature areas with a huge bug net and catch critters for my bug collection...or maybe that was my twin sister because that literally doesn't sound like anything I would do...ever :) 

The 4th grade teacher in me has to tell you that this is our state flower, the Columbine :)

We found a little bench and enjoyed our lunch overlooking the lake. Off in the distance we heard a violin playing as people were gathering for a wedding. What a beautiful place to be married.

It was nice to escape even if just for a few hours.  I feel like these past few weeks have been filled with so much up and down emotion and uncertainty...life feels a little out of control for me at the moment as my husband is doing a little of his own soul searching and deciding what he wants his future career to be. Sometimes I struggle to understand, I've known that I wanted to be a teacher since junior high. But Martin has always had so many dreams and he really is so so talented at many things that I think it becomes overwhelming to decide which path to take. Someday we'll look back and see how everything was connected and that without this job or without this journey we wouldn't have made it to our final destination.  I feel like my faith has been quavering lately, but I know everything will work out...it always does.  

a warm january day

We went for a long walk through the prairie this afternoon.  I may have done the dumbest move in parenting history when my daughter asked to take a nap (asked I tell you!) and I said, "Nope, we're going for a walk!"   Now, she of course is wide awake singing the alphabet song instead of sleeping, but our walk was well worth it.  The sun was shining and we found a bear cave (the underground tunnel for the bike path) that we had to run through at least ten times.  We've been kind of stuck inside this weekend as Everdeen is recovering from a nice bout with pink eye.  I always feel that no matter what ailment you have you will always feel better with fresh air and warm sunshine. And it's always a good idea to soak up these rare, warm, January days before the next cold spell sweeps over us.

Can we talk about the 'terrible twos'?

When Everdeen was a wee baby, 6:30 became the most dreaded hour of the day...our witching hour. She would cry and cry and we could never figure out why.  We would bounce until our rear ends were numb on the exercise ball,  put on white noise, and follow every step in the Happiest Baby on the Block book.  Some nights we had relief, but others were long and exhausting.   Besides those few months at the beginning, Everdeen has been the happiest, calmest, most easy going baby.  We have been blessed to say the least.  We even naively thought we had missed the "terrible twos".  Here she was at 2 1/2 and we had yet to see that infamous toddler behavior.  Sure we've had some moments that have not been so fun, but overall it's been pretty easy sailing.

But oh, these past few weeks...we have a new witching hour.  The moment Everdeen gets home from daycare she exerts her independence and new found vocabulary she undoubtedly is trying out on her classmates.  "Mama, you stop it! That not okay! Walk away!" Reeeaaal nice.  

But our biggest challenge has been bedtime.  Our once sweet, calm, and easy bedtime has changed drastically.  To say our little one loves to hear stories is the biggest understatement of the universe. Everdeen could listen to stories for hours and trust me she has.  We read from chapter books and read her favorite picture books over and over again.  And the moment we close the book the screaming and flailing begins.  It's hard to watch such a tiny human be so upset over, what seems to us to be small mundane things.  She is learning this world, learning boundaries and expectations and it's hard for little ones to grasp sometimes.  I know our consistency  will pay off and that the time and energy we are putting in now will make future parenting much easier.  At least until middle school ;) I can see how these toddler years are a pivotal turning point...giving in because of pure exhaustion seems like a brilliant idea when bedtime is taking two hours, but Martin and I take a deep breath and continue on. 

We've seen small glimmers of hope that things will return back to the way they were soon.  After the "Daddy go away" we'll hear "Ooooh! You made that dinner for me? Ooooh thank you Daddy!"  Or Everdeen will say as we walk upstairs to bed, "I'm not going to throw a fit tonight, Mama."  We definitely have our days filled with melt your heart moments too, but during a screaming fit it can be hard to remember sometimes.  

Often times I feel like the terrible twos are a taboo subject...no one talks about tantrums and screaming because who wants their child to be categorized as 'terrible'? Maybe we shouldn't look at this stage of life as terrible, but as a prime opportunity to teach and guide our children.  We should look at this time as a chance to really nurture and love on our little ones when they need it the most, as they are learning right from wrong.  Maybe us mamas should share more of the not so picture perfect moments so that we can feel relieved, even normal that it's not just our toddler throwing a tantrum over the color of cup they are drinking their milk from...because obviously the pink cup makes the milk taste much better.

Any words of wisdom or advice from those of you have survived this stage or are going through this same thing now would be much appreciated :)

Life Lately

My Christmas tree is sparkling and the candles in the windows are glowing.  Last night, Everdeen asked if we could keep her little tree lit as she fell asleep.  I remembered falling asleep when I was little with the Christmas candles in my window casting a warm glow across my room.  I would sneak into my twin sister's bed and we would stare at the lights on the houses across the street. I always felt so safe and cozy and it felt exactly the same in her room last night. I had to sneak in after she had fallen asleep to unplug her tree, but before I did, I re-tucked her in under her new quilt from Nana and kissed her goodnight. We took down her crib a couple of weeks ago (which was a bit of a heart wrenching moment for my mama heart...because of course she would have slept in her crib until college if I'd had my say) But she is much warmer snuggled under her flannel sheets and favorite blankets.

These past few weeks have stretched us with our little tots tantrums(I'm so sorry you can't play with the needle nosed pliers...) yet at the same time she has overwhelmingly filled our hearts with joy. Today, as I carried Everdeen down the stairs she stroked my hair, gave it a kiss, and told me, "Mama, I want you forever." It's amazing to watch this little person with independent thoughts and wants...sometimes very independent thoughts and wants. It still amazes me daily that I am the mother of a two year old. A two year old who is sweet, loving, and fills our home with joyful giggles. 

I am so excited to create a magical Christmas season for Everdeen this year. She's been asking "What you doing Mama?" as I prepare our home for the holiday. I love telling her about our traditions and watching her eyes sparkle as she's now old enough to understand. I still vividly remember rocking her to sleep when she was about five months old. The Christmas tree filled our tiny one bedroom apartment with its soft and familiar glow and I sang Silent Night over and over until her breathing was steady. I knew she couldn't comprehend what Christmas was all about, but I knew she could feel the magic.  

Oh, hello 30

My twin sister and I are turning 30 on Sunday and I'm just not sure how I feel about it. I wish I had something profound to say about how turning 30 is the new 20 (is it?) and how turning 30 makes you an instantaneous adult (will it?). How you wake up on your 30th birthday and suddenly have everything figured out.  You eat healthy salads for lunch, use wrinkle defying night cream, and deposit a generous amount of your paycheck into your retirement fund. Because 30 year olds are always planning for the future...right? 

Sigh...I think the more I dwell on this upcoming birthday the more mid-life crisis-y I get.  

I assure you my husband doesn't have to worry about me running out and splurging our entire bank account on a new sports car.  Besides, I already had my moment of splurging today when I went out and bought two new sweaters...from Target...that were on sale...because that's what sensible 30 year olds do.

a day off

Today was such a gift.  A day off. I woke up this morning to Everdeen giving me a little kiss on my forehead as she pulled the covers up over my shoulders. It was exactly what I needed, and pretty much the sweetest thing I've ever seen ;)

This week has been hard...parent teacher conferences.  They went really well, but I left last night, at 8:30, feeling a heavy pressure in my chest.  I had just spent two days talking to over twenty families and listening to every little concern, ache, emotion. Divorce, losing their home, losing their job, chemotherapy. Sometimes it's just too much.  I have parents sitting their with hopelessness in their tear filled eyes.  Hoping, just hoping I have an answer for them. Sometimes I do, and sometimes all I can do is hand them a tissue and tell them I'm so sorry...that I hope everything will be okay.  And I can reassure them over and over that I will continue to be a constant support and strive to help their child anyway I can.  

Being a teacher can be so emotionally draining.  

Sometimes I don't know how I can do this job for the next 20 some years...sometimes I feel like teaching is getting harder and harder each year with so many more demands from the state, district, and parents.  Working in a cubicle begins to sound like the best idea ever. But then I have those moments where I truly have a magical experience with my class and they make me laugh and we have such a great day together and I think,  maybe I can do this for twenty more years...

I wish it wasn't such a roller coaster feeling.  I think I needed today to just be.  Let my mind settle, let the heavy feeling start to lift away.  It's not completely gone, but today helped. Martin and I got to spend some much needed time together and we even got to go out on a lunch date :) We walked through old town enjoying the warm sun and the smell of sun burnt leaves.  We both wished we could be whisked away on a vacation somewhere far away...away from all the noise of the media and everyday pressures. 

Instead, we picked up Everdeen early from daycare and soaked in her joy and happiness. I seriously don't think that little girl could be any sweeter.  When we saw her on the playground she ran into my arms and as I swept her up she said, "Mama so so happy?" 

Nothing in this world could make me more happier :)

life lately

a day with mama at the park

because avocados can be eaten like apples right?

these colors!

tiny hands holding tiny leaves

always checking out the little neighborhood library box...

playdates at Nana's house

seriously...these colors

Enjoying afternoon walks after school and of course crunching through big leaf piles

eating entire cartons of blackberries while wearing cherry raincoats equals total bliss :)

peace

Ahhh Everdeen is napping...the house is clean and somehow I got through my list of things to do.  This peace is divine.

oh wait...I can hear a little voice singing in the other room...haha well it was nice while it lasted ;)