Crooked

The other weekend my parents were in town. We were all gathered together talking about what the newest member of our family will look like...will he have dark hair like my sister? Will he be blonde like my brother-in-law? Will he have a Redente nose or Backos nose...both representing their European country respectably. 

I stared at my parents. 

Who did I look like?

I asked my parents' opinion. My mom told me I looked more like my dad. I stared at my dad. I have his oval face. His Italian coloring. But my other features seem to be a perfect blend between the two. I told my parents jokingly I would have appreciated a more symmetrical face.

"My smile is crooked," I said. "One side goes up higher than the other."

My dad tilted his head to the side, looked at me inquisitively, and said, "Only sometimes, but that's you...that's Jessica." 

I looked at my amazingly beautiful and very symmetrical older sister. "Do you like everything about the way you look? You never complain." She told me that even if she doesn't like something, she can't change it, so she accepts it. Very sound advice.

I've despised my crooked smile since I noticed it in my 7th grade school picture. I've spent hours in front of the mirror trying to figure out how to smile so both sides of my face are the same. An incredible waste of time for something I cannot change.

The moment my dad said those words, 'That's Jessica', something changed inside of me. I don't know why it's taken thirteen years or why it was that exact moment. I think I finally saw it from my parent's perspective. They wondered for nine months who I would look like and when I finally arrived they undoubtedly spent hours staring at their new baby...excited that she had her daddy's eyes and her mom's fingers. Not caring for one moment that her smile was crooked.

I am their daughter, their creation, I am made up of bits and pieces from both of them. I'm proud to look like both of my beautiful parents...two of the people I admire most on this earth. 

Although neither of them have a crooked smile, that's just something unique to me, I think I'm okay with being the only one in my family with this quality. 

That's just me. 

Every Leaf Speaks Bliss To Me...

There's a quiet street that I drive down on my way home from school. It's lined with the most vibrant fall colors you could ever imagine being in the middle of a big city.  

Today was a perfect fall day. Just the right amount of warm, not a cloud in the sky...and a kindergarten field trip. We survived. We're exahusted. The kids had the most exciting time. We ventured to our local library and the local museum. I think the best part was the bus ride and having lunch in the huge grassy field next to the grand court house. 

I sat in the sun as the kids around me ate their ham and cheese sandwiches. I listened to their little conversations they had...so excited that their teacher was eating lunch with them, except when I told them they had to eat their sandwich first before their dessert. I heard myself saying the same things my parents had said to me, "Three more bites...no, three more BIG bites."

 I watched from a distance as a couple, hand in hand, walked up the courthouse stairs. She had on a white dress. He was in a suite. I smiled.  They were getting married on such a perfect fall day.

Tomorrow is our last day of school before we begin our Fall Break. I can't wait to have some time to myself and to catch up on life. 

Last Year

We have nine more days until Fall Break. It has me thinking a lot about last year at this time.  Martin and I were planning for our trip to Oregon, but we actually didn't know if we were going to be able to go at first. We had just received the life changing news that Martin had lost his job...do we still go? Our plane tickets are bought. Are we making a smart choice going on a vacation when we are down to one income again?

We had a million questions and thoughts running through our heads, but in the end we decided that we needed to go. Go and clear our heads in the beautiful state of Oregon.  Figure out where our lives were going next.

So we went. And we loved it.

We had decided to originally go with the thought that this is the place we would move to someday. We wanted to explore and check it out...would we fit in? Could we see ourselves living here?

Yes and Yes.

Maybe someday Oregon will be in our future plans. But for now we like to talk about our time we shared together, dealing with and solving our first major crisis as a married couple.  It was just the two of us alone, thinking and wondering about our future. We were in control...it was up to us to figure it out. 

It was on that trip that my husband and I decided that going back to school would be his best option. He decided on culinary school. With all his options, that was the one he kept going back to, that was the choice that made him the most excited.  Martin had been given a second chance...losing his job had been a blessing in disguise. I can see that now.

When I feel uncertain about my future I think about this time in our lives. It all worked out. We survived...we took a leap of faith, jumping with our eyes closed, holding hands and not letting go. 

Martin and I have been thinking a lot about next year. We have that excited feeling in the pit of our stomaches again. We're dreaming of new adventures...we feel excited about new possibilities and new surroundings.
It might be time to take another leap of faith...

The Bread I Shall Not Eat

There lies the bread.  Glazed in warm butter with a side of cinnamon butter.

I think the rolls were secretly laughing at me...

I've been struggling lately with trying to eat clean...being true to Paleo.  This past month has been stressful and busy and as a result I grab for things that are easy to eat, but not necessarily what my body needs.  I can tell such a difference in how I feel.  I'm nauseous again, I'm tired.  And on top of it all I got a mean ulcer...not fun. But I'm at it again, trying my best, healing my body once again.

It's amazing what I'll tell myself so I don't feel bad about eating things I can't, "It's okay if you eat that piece of bread Jessica, you'll probably feel sick afterwards, but it's SO WORTH IT!"

Then I do feel sick and I kick myself for my decision. 

Since I've cut gluten out of my diet I feel like my body is even more sensitive to it and I can really feel when it is in my system.  I'm still learning every day...it's a mental obstacle more than anything for me. If it wasn't for my husband I don't know what I would do.  He encourages me everyday, telling me I can do it. He's my biggest role model.

. . .

I stared at those buttered rolls for a long time...I even thought about stuffing a whole one in my mouth while Martin went to the bathroom. But I mustered up my self control, ordered my chicken, and even ignored the croutons in my salad. It may seem insignificant, but small victories like this make me feel like I can do it again tomorrow.

My body thanks me.

I Live Now

Today was such a beautiful fall day. Martin and I headed to one of our usual parks to spend some much needed time together. This week has been a little up and down. I ruffled some feathers in our love nest, bringing up subjects of conversation that I knew we were going to end up disagreeing about, but I did it anyways, because somedays that's just what I'm best at. 

But the hardest thing about the week wasn't the argument, it was the fact I couldn't see or talk to my husband for a whole week after it happened. I needed to apologize, to be able to look directly in his eyes and tell him how sorry I was, but he was at work when I got home from school and I went to work when he was still sleeping. We needed to sort through the things that were said...but his thirteen hour days don't make it easy to communicate. 

I'm still getting used to this new career of his...people warned us that when he entered the restaurant world I would basically never see him again. There are always adjustment periods when life takes a new path. Someday we'll look back at this time and we'll be able to see how it made us stronger than ever. That without trials in our lives we wouldn't appreciate the things that matter the most...

I'm thankful for the time that we do have together. And that today we could lay in the grass, close our eyes, and feel safe because we are with each other. That we could finally catch up on a whole weeks worth of conversations. That I could watch my husband show off his newly acquired ability to do a handstand.

I wouldn't want to miss these little moments for the world.